24.02.2013antichrist

Here, on Earth, where you are now, we have a thing called Culture (Culture? What Culture? LOL! Oh yes…), and in Culture, there are two streams; the mainstream and the ‘other’ stream. The mainstream is…well, I don’t know what the mainstream is, but suffice to say it isn’t as sticky as the ‘other’ stream. Yes, we’re talking about Porn, pure and unadulterated! And these two streams of Culture are supposed to run parallel to one another – you know, Art is Art, Porn is Porn and ne’er the twain shall meet and all that sort of thing. However, even Artists have needs, and sometimes, they just cannot resist the urge to portray hardcore in-your-face pump-action on the big screen, and I’m not talking shotguns, people!

I’ve always found public attitudes to sex in films to be terribly unconvincing; most of us have watched porn, and even more than that have had sex, hopefully. We know what it looks like, and we like it. And as a result, I’ve always found the portrayal of the stereotypical Hollywood producer rather endearing; “I’m tellin’ you, John, Toy Story needs that bukkake scene in the 3rd act! Needs it, I tell ya!” So, in that spirit, I am here to give you a guided tour through the world of gratuitous libidinous nudeyness; the world of money shots, pre-CGI!

Note: I have here chosen to define mainstream films as films which were not released with the sole and express purpose of titillating and arousing its audience members through the use of unsimulated sex acts (in other words, actual porn!)

Enjoy!

10. Transformers

megan fox transformers

Transformers or, as director Michael Bay likes to refer to it, The Ass Menagerie, features some of the finest cinematic lechery ever captured on celluloid. Yes, cinematographer Mitchell Amundsen loving frames Megan Fox’s floating anus in this uplifting tale of rampant commercialism prevailing over human dignity.

It is amazing to consider just how much casual misogyny is allowed into the cinema these days – the fact that every single lady in a Michael Bay film is introduced via her buttocks and is given all the emotional and intellectual complexity of a stupid buttock tells you everything you need to know about a director whose stated intention in filmmaking is to “f**k the frame”. Too bad the frame compared you to a Nazi, sweet cheeks….

Apparently, James Cameron was livid when Bay didn’t hire Fox for Transformers 3. He was looking forward to seeing those puppies in 3D!

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This article was first posted on March 5, 2013