Like most people, my first memory of watching a sex scene is through my fingers, sitting on the sofa while Mum and Dad pretended that this was just normal and not the worst moment of your life to date. Seriously. Was there anything worse than that?
Of course as you get older and get to watch sex scenes in the slightly less awkward setting of your own private chambers, you start to develop an appreciation of the delicate art of two characters igniting their passion at last. Or, as the horny 15 year old me would say, “HELL YEAH! SEX! SEX! NIPPLES!”
But of course, there are some sex scenes that are just plain awful. Like, almost-make-you-want-to-never-even-have-sex-if-that’s-what-it-would-be-like awful. Here are 10 if the worst acts of carnal consummation ever committed to celluloid.
Sexual Offenders: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio
Some call Titanic one of the greatest love stories ever told. I call it one of the longest and most boring movies I have ever had the misfortune to see. I mean, once you know how it ends what’s the point in watching?
Joking aside, you would think that a movie about forbidden love concerning two people who live in a society that demands stoical obedience at all times, when they finally get to do the bumping uglies ballet, it would be a climax (pun intended) of released tension.
In fact it’s just two people in a car whose sexy time starts with the phrase “put your hand on me”, just one notch above “Let’s make ourselves comfortable” on the worst pre-coital lines list. When she slaps her hand on the comically steamed up glass, I wasn’t sure it was because she was enjoying herself or demanding to be let out horror movie style.
This article was first posted on April 27, 2013