5 Awesomely-Awful Arnold Schwarzenegger Films

4. Commando €“ 1985

Commando I may catch some crap for having action-movie classic Commando on my list but I€™m ok with that. If Arnold wasn€™t in this film, would you even give it a second look as you scroll through Netflix? Arnold plays John Matrix, a life-long military man who has recently retired from the armed forces. He spends his days like most retired people do: cutting giant logs while shirtless and feeding frolicking deer in the woods along with his daughter Jenny (pronounced CHENNY!!! in the film), played by Alyssa Milano. He isn€™t in retirement that long when his past catches up with him. A former member of his team has gone rogue and needs to be captured. That man is Bennett, the main villain of the film, who happens to share a love of both mustaches and chain-mail. He kidnaps Matrix€™s daughter, which leads Arnold to track him down. The movie gets awesomely-awful about 20 minutes in, when Matrix kills a man on a plane, sticks a pillow under his head, and tells the flight attendant not to wake him, since he is €œdead tired.€ Arnold than escapes a moving plane and embarks on a journey to track down CHENNY!!!. Along the way, he essentially kidnaps a woman and forces her to drive him after one of his daughter€™s kidnappers. Don€™t worry though, the two fall in love before the movie is over (or she develops Stockholm Syndrome, it€™s hard to tell) and CHENNY!!! gets a new mother. Bennett eventually gets what coming to him as well, as he gets impaled on a pipe and is told, in classic Arnold fashion to €œLet off some steam, Bennett.€ Defining Moment of Awesome-Awfulness The courtyard gun sequence defines this movie. It€™s over the top, implausible, and downright silly. This is coming from a guy who can suspend his disbelief enough that Arnold can successfully lift a phone booth (with man inside) and throw it. However, that gun sequence is ridiculous. Arnold, with no body armor, guns down tons of guys who are all firing at him. By the time grenades and rocket launchers are involved, you€™re probably laughing too hard at the craziness to pay attention.

Contributor
Contributor

I'm a 31 year old writer and stand-up comedian from the good ol' USA. I graduated from the University of Southern Indiana with a degree in Communications that I use to to write jokes on the internet. I'm an avid gamer, media consumer, and pro wrestling fan. I'm also the co-host of the podcast Pop Culture Pizza Party, available on iTunes and Spotify