Alex compares LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS to a horror version of a cheap lads mag!
Look, I know something really wrong is happening here, whines Fletch, arch-slacker and reluctant slayer of lesbian vampires. But cant we just ignore it? You can say that again, mate! A horror comedy which is neither funny nor scary, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS seems destined for the scrapheap of cinema history. Not that the film ever pretends to be anything other than a disposable exercise in exploitation, of course. It cant with a name like that. In fact, its one saving grace is that it avoids taking itself seriously. This honesty about its own silliness, together with a 15 certificate and the current popularity of its leading duo (James Corden and Matthew Horne) might help LVK entice teenagers to the box office. But will it transcend its target audience? 
Not likely. For starters, its difficult to build up enthusiasm for a step-by-step rehash of a plot that has already been done to death: ancient vampire curse, modern-day slackers who become action heroes, sexy and dim female victims running scared, fearful and traitorous villagers, small cottage in the midst of a dark forest, corny romantic sub-plot, showdown with the monster queen, etc. Everything in the film feels like it has been ticked off on a checklist. Ok, its a genre piece, so the lack of inventiveness is to be expected, right? Wrong. Genre is supposed to serve as a broad narrative framework, not as an excuse for creative laziness. Otherwise it just leads to predictability and boredom. And as SHAUN OF THE DEAD demonstrated, there are several strategies that a post-modern British horror comedy can use to avoid the risk of cliché posed by genre conventions. The most effective of the bunch is to actually get the audience to care about a distinctive set of characters. Jimmy (Matthew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden), the protagonists of LVK, are presented as a kind of mockney WITHNAIL AND I pair, ordinary city boys confronted by surreal circumstances whilst on holiday in the countryside. The problem is that neither of the two is very likeable. Jimmy is a pushover, a wimp and a bit of a tit. And when we meet Fletch for the first time hes being fired from his job as a clown because he punched a child. The world would not be worse off if lesbian vampires did devour both of them. Another good policy for a comedy, Im sure youll be surprised to hear, is to make the audience laugh. And there is so very little laughter on offer here. The humour is bawdy in a childish and tasteless kind of way. However, if unimaginative jokes involving male genitalia, flatulence and village vicars saying fuck really get the job done for you, then LVK might be the sort of thing youre looking for. Just dont expect many scares, because in that respect any regular moviegoer can see this movie coming from a mile off. A good horror comedy can frighten you while youre still laughing, a very difficult trick to pull off. Ashs battle with his own demented right hand in EVIL DEAD 2 is both spooky and hilarious, as is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in GHOSTBUSTERS. These situations and characters are surprising and paradoxical. The only thing that is really surprising and paradoxical about LVK is that such an underdeveloped script got greenlit in the first place. Finally, the very best horror comedies use the parameters of the genre to say something interesting about the world we live in.Think of the Big Brother fans turned into zombies, mindlessly banging on the gates of the television studio in DEAD SET. LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS never hints at anything of the sort. Its the vampire film version of a lads mag, and therein lies one of the main difficulties it faces as a product: who needs to go to the cinema to get a glimpse of top-notch eye candy anymore? All in all this is probably a two-out-of-five-stars effort because in purely technical terms it is competent enough. If youre a huge fan of the genre, the two leading stars, softcore girl-on-girl action, silliness and off-colour humour you might want to check it out. Otherwise avoid at all costs. LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS opens in the U.K. this Friday and has yet to secure a U.S. release.