Another Life Changed By THE ROOM

When you start talking about the ominous title of WORST FILM OF ALL TIME, several possibilities come to mind. Some films are simply ridiculous and absurd to the point of dismay, like LEPRECHAUN, ALONE IN THE DARK or HOWARD THE DUCK. These are bad movies, for sure. However, films like these are hard to call THE WORST because they have enough competence in them to prevent them from being considered. Then, there are films like CATWOMAN or BATTLEFIELD EARTH. These are the next level down on the food chain. Not only do they have terrible technical qualities, but they also have horrific performances and cringe-worthy dialogue. Then, even closer to the bottom of the sewer, we find films like MANOS: HANDS OF FATE, PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE, ROBOT MONSTER, and TROLL 2. These are films that could not entertain autistic children, and in fact appear to have been made by them. These films fail spectacularly, and they become more enjoyable as you revel in their absurdity. But no bad movie I have ever seen rivals the claim staked on the title of WORST MOVIE EVER like the glorious failure of THE ROOM. Word about this monumental motion picture abortion has spread around the fanbase over the last few years, bolstered by a small cadre of voracious supporters in Los Angeles. Emboldened by several clips on YouTube, I decided to buy this DVD on Amazon and sample its reputed awfulness for myself. It does not disappoint. The film was written and directed by its star, the incomparable auteur Tommy Wiseau. Written words fail to adequately describe the man. Although Wiseau refuses to disclose his country of origin, by his thick accent I would guess Austria, if not from some undiscovered planet beyond the Orion nebula. He is extremely muscled, yet his body seems to be ravaged by mumps or leprosy to the point of revulsion. Imagine an unholy cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uwe Boll, Fabio's hair, a truckload of black dye, and a bowl of rotten cottage cheese - that is the man before he speaks. Once he does, it is the sound of a legion of retarded angels gargling yogurt. His bio insists that he is only 40 years old, but he looks to be in his sixties. He may be infinite. True to inspirations like Orson Welles and Edward D. Wood, Wiseau managed to write, direct, and star in his first feature film. The budget, reported to be around $6 million dollars, was milked from a group of investors who probably now wish they had invested in something like Enron or AIG. And, much like Welles and Wood, Wiseau used this grand stage to project his thoughts and feelings, crafting them carefully into dramatic form. The film Wiseau created revolves around a gentle and loving Jesus-like figure named Johnny, played by Wiseau himself. According to the script, Johnny is some sort of successful San Francisco banker, although that's never made clear. Johnny is in love with Lisa, a self-absorbed blonde idiot portrayed by the incomparable Juliette Danielle in a role that has probably secured her many casting couch sessions. Every single day Johnny showers Lisa with gifts. Most of these gifts are red roses, which he purchases from the dyke that runs the local flower shop. Notice how easily Johnny integrates himself into every situation: Roses play an intimate part in the lovemaking of Johnny and Lisa. When he's not declaring his love and admiration for Lisa's beauty, he is making love to her in lengthy displays of soft core pornography that would be much, much better if Wiseau's strange, lumpy physique wasn't so visible. Of course, it would also be much worse. The one thing we know for sure about Lisa is that she's beautiful; every single male character in the film constantly remarks on her beauty, especially when she wears her red dress. Any other woman with this much positive reinforcement would feel satisfied beyond measure, yet Lisa wants more. Johnny treats her "like a princess," but she cannot love him anymore. At this point, some sort of diabolical force inexplicably rises from within her, causing her to want to ruin gentle Johnny's entire life. Central to this plan is her idea to cheat on Johnny with his best friend Mark (Greg Sistero) a hunky and apparently unemployed neighbor in their apartment building. Her awkward advancements on Mark confuse the young stud at first, until he finally realizes out of nowhere that he is in love with her. They also make love, this time to cheesy mid-eighties rock ballads that never were. Lisa attempts to talk to her mother about her dissatisfaction with Johnny's unending display of love and affection. Her mother, though, will hear none of it. In a statement of cruel truth, her mother flatly declares that Lisa needs Johnny because she's incapable of taking care of herself. And then, inexplicably, she reminds her daughter that she is suffering from breast cancer, a plotline that never resurfaces again. Despite the riveting love triangle at the center of the story, the film takes hard-right turns into the bizarre underworld of the subconscious with the subplot known as Denny. You see, Denny is a young man - also living in the apartment building - who looks up to Johnny like a father. In fact, Johnny has taken care of Denny like an older brother, paying for school and tending to his every need. To repay Johnny, Denny likes to watch Johnny and Lisa make love, and he barges into their apartment constantly to relate one line of dialogue before disappearing. Denny might be functional retard. But that's not his only problem; Denny is also involved with drugs somehow, even though all he apparently does is toss a football around. At very short distances. It's all very vague. Anyway, so Lisa's undeserved plot to destroy Johnny's life takes a few more intriguing turns, including a pregnancy announcement that appears and disappears in the space of one scene. Lisa then manages to get Johnny drunk, after which she claims that Johnny hit her. She only tells her mother about this, but somehow Johnny senses (via The Force?) that Lisa is spreading this rumor about him. This, of course, causes Johnny great anguish that manifests itself in horrible dialogue and atrocious acting. Then, most absurdly, Lisa starts making out with Mark right in front of Johnny and an entire houseful of guests, including her own mother. This causes Johnny untold amounts of emotional anguish, which he unleashes in his typically awkward manner. I won't spoil the end of the film. Suffice it to say that Wiseau was going for Shakespearean tragedy, and ended up with something that falls far short of the goal. Many people have attempted to decipher the meaning of the film's title. Some people think it has something to do with the inability of humans to love enough. Others think the title refers to the safety of gentle Johnny's heart. I personally think THE ROOM refers to the fact that the entire film takes place in Johnny's claustrophobic apartment. This apartment apparently borders some sort of hyperspacial wormhole, because the front door to Johnny's apartment can lead to (a) the outside world, (b) the patio, (c) the stairwell leading to the rest of the building, or (d) the apartment building rooftop. The screenplay acts like the map from TIME BANDITS, able to conjure locations at will according to the next scene. The film was released in 2003 at a few locations around Los Angeles. Needless to say, the reviews were less than kind. But before the film completely disappeared from theaters, a small group of Hollywood screenwriters were going with their friends and laughing at the film. Like THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, the audiences grew, and they began to memorize the dialogue and yell at the screen at midnight screenings. Even today, the film plays at midnight at certain theaters. Tommy Wiseau himself often show up at these screening to offer tee-shirts and other memorabilia to rabid fans. Well count me in. This is the worst film I've ever seen, and it's a blast.