I have read 50 Shades of Grey.
I know what happens. I know it's a lusty fantasy where a shy young virgin gets her Skittles diddled by a dominating business tycoon with a fondness for Ben Wa balls. I also know that it is going to be made into a feature film, delighting ladies who love the smut, but to have good celluloid smut, one needs a sizzling leading man. None of these gentleman here are sizzling. They are the definition of the anti-sizzle and if they were to be cast as Christian Grey, the screams coming from inside the theatre would not, I repeat NOT, be screams of titillation and enjoyment. They would be screams of aghast terror.
10. Jack Nicholson
I'm just gonna put it out there - I would have tapped Jack back in the day, around the time he was shooting Chinatown and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. But even then, he didn't seem the type of man you'd bring home for dinner with your mum and dad. He seemed like the sort of guy who looked better with beer goggles, and impressed you in your drunken state by drinking a shot of pure tabasco. Between the arched eyebrows and
certain... raaaaaspy way of speaking, Nicholson really is one to put in the 'right because it's all just so wrong' category. And boy, he sure hasn't aged well. Don't get me wrong, I kind of dig his 'la vie!' lifestyle - food, women, wine and song, because he's Jack Nicholson, baby, and he doesn't give a damn if his belly is now roughly the same size as a Beluga whale! But Nicholson would be more suited to playing a debauched Bacchus than a beautiful Adonis these days. We already saw his big ol' man booty hangin' out in Something's Gotta Give, and really, once is enough.