(originally published on
The Rec ) Friday nights in the late seventies at my house were dominated, like most households, by the powerful one-two punch of "The Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island." Of the two shows, "Fantasy Island" was by far the more intriguing and enticing show. The silliness of the premise hid certain mysteries that lingered in the corners of each episode; who or what was Mr. Roarke, and what the hell is he up to? Where is this island located? Is Tattoo some sort of monkey? Escapist fare doesn't get any more formulaic, goofy, and fascinating: every week several F-Grade movie and television stars would impersonate characters who arrive by plane to the island, where they would pay huge sums of money to Mr. Roarke for the chance to live their ultimate fantasy. By the half hour mark, each person was earlobe-deep in danger. By the end of the show, the situation had resolved, and the visitors hopped back on the plane. Usually. Ricardo Montalban, purveyor of fine Corinthian leather and KHAAAANNNN!!!, cleverly portrayed Mr. Roarke with subtle dimensions. I often thought Mr. Roarke might be the Devil. Herve Villacheze played the diminutive Tattoo, a midget little person whose sole responsibility on the island was to ring that damn bell and scream out, "De plane! De plane!" in his choked French accent. Of course, it became a huge catchphrase. Of course, none of this really sounds like a premise worthy of a feature film, which is exactly why it's being turned into one, starring EDDIE FUCKING MURPHY. Seriously, someone kill him, or kill me, or just do SOMETHING to stop this. Seriously.
IESB reports that Columbia has started rolling the wheels on this Eddie Murphy vehicle, which no doubt has the word "franchise" attached to it since you cannot make just one good movie these days. And, of course, this will not be one of them. So it's official: There is only one television series remaining to be turned into a movie. For my part, I hope that when "The Facts of Life: The Movie" hits theaters, they explain what happened to all of the girls at the girl's school after the first season. If they do that - and include a Blair / Jo lezbo encounter - I'll be happy. Well ... that, and lose Natalie. She's fat.