X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE

Chris Carter. You have this property, The X-Files, that was wildly popular ten or fifteen years ago. The show dealt with all sorts of government conspiracies, bizarre creatures, and alien phenomena. And you're going to turn it into a movie. So ... what kind of movie would YOU make? Would it be a crime procedural about organ transplants and stem cell research???? This is only one of many, many things wrong with the new film based on the television show, clumsily-titled X-Files: I Want to Believe. The film reunites David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as former FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Still in seclusion since we last saw him in 2001, Mulder apparently spends his time clipping newspaper articles. Scully, on the other hand, has become a surgeon who is, at the time of the movie, desperately trying to save a young boy from a fatal brain disease with the use of a radical stem cell procedure. Both are summoned by the FBI to aid in the case of a missing agent, who is being bloodhounded by a pedophile ex-priest named Father Joe (Bill Connolly) who claims to be psychic. The trail of body parts eventually leads the pair into the seedy lair of a homosexual couple in need of transplants. Playing like a poorly-edited episode of CSI, the new X-Files film feels small and pointless. Unlike the best crime procedural dramas - think Silence of the Lambs, for instance - X-Files relies on coincidence and hunches to solve the central "mystery" rather than skilled police work. However, no amount of realistic investigation can infuse this limp plot device with any amount of tension or excitement. The only way one can justify resurrecting this show and its characters is for a truly epic film, one that plumbs the depth of conspiracy or shocks with aliens or monsters. Instead, we are treated to a few Russian doctors in a shed doing nasty operations. YAWN. Another gripe - Scully, last seen becoming a true believer, is now back squarely on the skeptic side of things. Aggressively so, in fact. Her first scene with Connolly's pedophile priest has her bizarrely attacking him verbally, embarrassing him in front of others for his past crimes. Is this actually how police and FBI treat suspects under interrogation?? It doesn't help that Anderson plays Scully like someone about to commit suicide or have a nervous breakdown; she is the most morose heroine of the summer film season. Duchovny slips into his Mulder with relative ease, but he is given little to do other than encourage everyone around him to keep believing in the psychic priest. His final confrontation with the bad guy is so sloppily written and contrived that it probably belongs on a syndicated television show rather than a big-screen adventure. Everything about this film reeks of a blatant money-grab. I mean, Carter and Duchovny have recently been involved in lawsuits over this franchise; now everybody wants to get along, eh? From the sloppy script, to the convenient characters, to the trumped-up conversations, to the uninspired performances, to the lazy editing, everything onscreen shows clearly that the film exists solely to collect money from nostalgic fans of the series. It's truly disgusting. If you really want something to believe, then believe this: This film marks the end of this franchise, and everyone is better for it.

rating: 1.5