10 Signs You’re Way Too Old To Be A Gamer

Reports on the ever-expanding popularity of gaming frequently allude to an enormous population of Boomers. Not the type from Gears...

Daniel Clark

Contributor

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Reports on the ever-expanding popularity of gaming frequently allude to an enormous population of Boomers. Not the type from Gears of War, but rather the truly scary kind, depicted above. As a consequence, the average player has become an astonishingly ripe thirtysomething.

Naturally, if you don’t place any limitations on the term, almost everyone’s a gamer. Baby slapped an iPad? Gamer. Granny pet a DS dachshund? Gamer. But as far as I’m aware, a bona fide population of grey gamers doesn’t exist, leaving the usual suspect holding the smoking gun.

I refer, of course, to the tee-shirted kid; the dorm-embedded buck: I know him well, for I used to be him. Now I’m ancient: I’m creaking; I’m over the hill. I still love games, but every day holds a reminder that I’m just too old for them.

Gaming’s a young man’s, well, game, and much like that pale mustachioed guy stumbling around the club with armpits as wet as the ink on his divorce papers, the stresses of trying to emulate my former glory are taking a profound toll on both body and soul.

Fortunately, after six months in Gamers Anonymous, I’m ready to own my mistakes. In fact, I’m proud to say that I’m at Step Four. Unfortunately, the steps and tokens and late-night coffee drinking make it seem so much like a game that it’s no doubt abetting my daily relapses. But at any rate, my sponsor has decided that it’s time for me to “take a searching and fearless moral inventory.” So, with a heavy heart, prepare yourselves, ye callow gamers, for what the future holds. It happened to me and it will inevitably happen to you. My only hope is that preparedness will soften the blow.

Here they are, then: the 10 signs you’re too old for video games.