Statistically, if you actively enjoy playing videogames, you’re probably a salivating, bum-brained male, aged 14 – 25. If you’re not playing Call of Duty, you’re playing World of Warcraft. And if you’re not doing that then you’re probably just Googling images of the thousands of buxom video game maidens that were designed with you in mind, so that you may quietly express your forbidden love while your parents are at the shops.
I bet you’re a gamer, aren’t you? And a man one. And that’s ok. Sexual attraction is a legitimate thing, sometimes even women feel it. But we’re not here to celebrate the characters designed to evoke those emotions. No way, we’re not that shallow. We’re here to count down a list of the sexiest secret crushes. The 6 out of 10′s. The four pinters. Or, if you do happen to be female and reading this, the ones with “a great personality”.
10. 1996 Lara Croft
Our eyes first met in Tomb Raider
As you may or may not know, Lara Croft’s whacky proportions were the result of a graphic designer’s hand slipping, accidentally increasing her bust size by 150% (actually true). But as I said, we’re not here for the obvious, and the PlayStation’s 32-bit rendering in no way represented this curvaceous alpha-woman.
No, what we fell alarmingly in love with was a damsel so angular she looks like she was put together with spirit levels. And so deeply did we fall that barely a chapter went by where we didn’t try and snag her on a wall in such a way that the camera would clip around for the briefest glimpse of the razor-sharp party hats she called a chest. Arousing and pathetic.
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This article was first posted on March 24, 2013