10 Stupidly Awful Gaming Prisons Staffed By Total Idiots
10. D-District Prison Final Fantasy VIII
As movies have constantly shown us, it's important to adapt your prison to suit the prisoners the dolly-bound Hannibal Lecter had an ever-present muzzle, Magneto's quarters were made entirely of plastic and Catwoman had to be thrown into a max-security men's joint to stop her escaping. It's simple logic, yet such trifling concerns don't apply to Final Fantasy VIII's Galbadian army. Lets set the scene it's disc two of Square's marathon slog, and we've just seen Squall and company fail to assassinate Edea, because the sniper they hired was a bit of a wuss and they failed to grasp that possibly the first lesson of sorceress camp is how to deflect gunshots or indeed anything else potentially lethal. After a failed attempt to rush the sorceresses' float, the entire cast end up imprisoned at the desert-based D-District Prison. The main party are incarcerated in an outrageously large cell with a Moomba (or whatever the hell that was), and Squall ends up lashed to a wall in the role of Seifer's electro-gimp. The game may as well end here the Galbadians are victorious, and can go home to contemplate Edea/Ultemecia's stupidly complex time-squishing scheme. Yet that's not the case we've still got three whole discs of bonkers plotting to get through, and it's all made possible by the prison warder's failure to grasp the obvious and tie-up the one bloke who fights with his fists. Unlike the rest of the party, Zell doesn't really need a preposterous weapon to adequately throw down, and to his eternal discredit it takes him far too long to figure that one out. But when the penny finally drops (and my, does it take a while), he proceeds to beat the filth out of all comers, recover his friends' weapons and lead an armed insurrection to recover Squall before Seifer breaks out the whips, chains and ball-gags. It's a stupid oversight, made all the more unforgivable considering exactly one scene ago Zell physically assaulted a beloved public figure atop an ostentatious platform for all the world to see.
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