There’s no such thing as a newsworthy death in Los Santos. Whether you’re molested by aliens, devoured by the Altruists or simply immolated while flying a plane through a blimp, there’s absolutely no guarantee that you’ll even make the round-up of the news bulletins. Remember, this is place where military planes fall from the sky with shocking regularity, dosed-up loonies cancan through the streets with jerry cans in their palms and songs in their hearts, and gang wars break out over something as minor as missing toothpicks.
Frankly, a random nutter falling to earth after a botched base-jump is pretty much regular weather in San Andreas’s most famous city, and witnessing a tank careening down the main street to take down the latest person to go all Butch-and-Sundance on the authorities is what one might call a normal Tuesday.
To some of you, that might sound awesome. After all, real life is dull, so the heightened reality of Los Santos might greatly appeal to your thirst for adventure or other, more worryingly sociopathic tendencies. But for those of you who would love to live there, with its hilarious but oddly repetitive radio shows, its heavy-handed police force and its anarchic mindset, I’m here to stamp that dream to death. Because let’s face it – there’s things you haven’t thought about which are going to be awful, so please, let me try and point them out.
And no, this doesn’t just involve the ridiculously little choice you’ve got at the cinema, nor the endless re-runs of Impotent Rage on the TV. But still, they do snark a bit.
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This article was first posted on December 24, 2013