It is almost unbelievable how close Grand Theft Auto V is. Also, rather shockingly it has been nearly 5 years since the last game hit shelves to all manner of noise, from praise to outright condemnation. That has basically how the franchise has always been met, with a combination of critical acclaim and right-wing hatred.

While the game is so far looking fantastic and is almost certainly going to get the same level of praise as always, so far – at least from where I am sitting – the controversy has been minimal. However, if some of they knew about the first things you will do when you pop the game in, they would probably be mortified.

Grand Theft Auto is a satrical comedy about excess and the American Dream gone wrong. In a wider context, Grand Theft Auto is a work of art. However, lets not kid ourselves. We don’t play it to partake in a masterwork by a distinguished artist. Especially not early on in the game. We play it to laugh at the freedom and ridiculousness of maniacal crimes without consequences. When September 17th comes rocking up, after you take the game out of the case, pop it into your console of choice and sit through an obligatory opening cut scene, what next? You are going to want to nuzzle in, kick the wheels and test the water to see how the game ‘fits’. Like a new pair of shoes, you are going to have to wear in this experience and compare it to your last pair. So just how are you going to ingratiate your time in Los Santos. Here are 7 guesses for you.

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This article was first posted on August 21, 2013