10 Things Only First Time Fathers Understand
9. Everyone Else Is Insufferable Too
Of course, it’s wonderful when people visit your home immediately after the birth of your child completely uninvited, making excruciating cooing noises and bringing gifts that aren’t for you. It’s fantastic when people you barely know produce a level of unfettered fawning that borders on delirium.
It’s majestic when strangers physically stop you in the street to comment on how much you look like a squidgy pink blob dressed like Popeye.
The best bit, of course, is the unremitting and unwanted parenting ‘advice’ from parents who were parents roughly 400 years ago, or some po-faced spelk telling you you’re doing it wrong in some malicious online parenting forum.
Spoiler alert: it’s not actually the best bit. Parents are basically taller versions of the babies they’re rearing and are genuinely clueless, regardless of what they assert.
When you finally realise that every parent over the course of human history basically doesn’t have a sodding clue what they’re doing, it’ll reassuringly dawn on you that their ill-timed advice is about as welcome as a hole in the bollock.