11 Cringeworthy Sex Tips Cosmo Think You Should Try

Fifty Shades of HELL NO.

Another person's genitalia is something you should be particularly respectful with. Unless you write for Cosmopolitan, that is, whose staff evidently treat penises with the same zealousness clowns shape those moldable balloon dogs with. Bite it, pull it, cover it in roast dinner and stick a sparkler in the end of it. "Try it", they said. "He'll love it", they said. Next thing you know, your partner's being rushed to hospital with his family jewels in ice. We've all seen Cosmo mag on the newsagent's shelf, and it looks harmless enough - despite the constant fear mongering, inciting self-hate among women in order for them to grasp deeper into the consumerist web just to feel better *breathe*. However, deep inside those pages are some frankly terrifying sex tips. Tips such as "make two fists around the shaft and move them in opposite directions as fast as you can" seem like the work of trolls to a sane-minded person - after all, no one likes Indian rug-burns. They especially don't enjoy them on their freaking manhood. But no, that is a bonafide suggestion published by Cosmopolitan themselves. Either the staff are completely out of their minds, or on a surreptitious mission to drastically minimise birth rates around the world. Whatever the case, we can only pray no one takes them seriously.
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