22 Problems Only Firefighters Would Understand

Knocking down doors, bringing down ceilings, relieving yourself in an on-fire building... Wait, what?

Fireman Sam It should be acknowledged right off the bat that being a Firefighter is a pretty cool job. No cubicles, interesting work, cool gadgets to play with, and neat outfits. All that, and at the end of the day you usually have the satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone. Plus, and this can not be overstated, no cubicles. So, with that said, it might seem disingenuous to complain about a few aspects of the job that crop up now and again. However... No job is entirely free of things to complain about (with the possible exception of Robot Ninja Overlord) and Firefighting is no exception. It's not all smashing windshields, pulling kittens from trees and watching each other do ab workouts, regardless of what certain less-savoury aspects of the home video market might have led you to believe. Here's a rundown of some of the more irritating truths that anyone who's ever been part of the fire service will recognise.

22. The Viagra Talk

When you respond to a medical call for a middle age male with heart problems, you get to experience the fun that is 'The Viagra Talk'. Without going into too many of the medical specifics, several heart medications cause a drop in blood pressure (that being what they're designed to do and why people take them.) Viagra (other male performance enhancers are available) also causes a drop in blood pressure (you can work out why on your own.) If you give one of those heart medications to someone who's already taking Viagra you will probably kill them. Which means that right at the outset you have to ask them point blank if they're taking Viagra. Usually while they're surrounded by their entire family. Because who doesn't love admitting to having difficulty performing in the bedroom while all their relatives listen? Fortunately, the words 'You have to be honest with me or it will kill you' are usually pretty effective.

21. The Moment You Realize That You're Laughing While Being Watched By A Homeowner That Just Lost Everything They Own

This one is always tricky, and the rise of camera phones documenting the phenomenon hasn't helped. But here's the thing; firefighters become firefighters because they love what they do. They love helping people and they really love getting a chance to use the skills that they trained so hard to acquire. Also, smashing glass and pulling down ceilings is fun. So, when you see a group of firefighters cheerfully pulling apart the smouldering remains of someone's home, it's not that they're unsympathetic. It's that they've spent a significant amount of time training to be able to help people, and now they are able to help someone.

20. Everybody Asks About The Calendar

Almost without fail, when someone new finds out that you're a firefighter one of the first questions they ask is, 'Oh, are you in the Calendar?' A note for anyone unfamiliar with the phenomenon - on the off chance that there's anyone on the planet who is - Many Fire Departments raise money for charity by putting together beefcake calendars of shirtless firemen. The main criteria for a Fire Department doing one of these Calendars? Having hundreds of Firefighters working for them so that they might - just maybe - find twelve of them that anyone would want to see with their shirt off. Because those men are the exception, not the rule.

19. The 3 AM Nonsense Medical Call

There are many reasons to get a Firefighter out of bed at 3 in the morning. Many of them can involve medical calls, that's not under dispute here. However, when you walk in the reporting party's front door and they greet you by saying, 'I've been feeling a little off since yesterday afternoon. I probably should have called then,' you know that that is not one of those calls.
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Mikey is, in no particular order, a freelance writer, improvisational comedian, volunteer firefighter, playwright, Bon Vivant, and Jane Espenson enthusiast. Born in the small mining town of Eden Prairie, MN, he has some 40 years later successfully moved about 20 miles north of there to the City of Brooklyn Center, MN where he lives with an unreasonable number of dogs. If you'd like to hear him discuss something other than Doctor Who while pretending to be a dog, check out www.the42ndvizsla.blogspot.com or follow him on twitter at @the42ndVizlsa