10 Creepy Theories That Ruin Your Favourite Kids TV Shows

The hollow, existential nightmares underneath the skin of your childhood dreams...


It’s a function of the human condition to seek out meaning, to construct theories and strategies - coping mechanisms - that allow us to deal with the thronging insanity of the universe about us without spiralling down into madness ourselves. Justice and pride, gods and devils, even love itself… all to hold back a sea of chaos within our own skulls.

As you can see from that first paragraph, it’s also an excuse for the most magnificent bullsh*t imaginable. Which is what all fan theories are, really: utter codswallop, delivered in the manner of a late night pub conversation between two old friends who’ve had a little too much to drink.

The best fan theories fit as many of the facts as is convenient - the important thing is that they fit those facts elegantly, eliciting a startled, excited response. OMG. Mind = blown. I’ll never see X the same way again. Stuff like that.

Naturally, they’re not intended by the originators of the texts, because real fan theories aren’t implied, they’re inferred. That’s especially important here, because here I present you with ten strange and terrible theories surrounding some of the world’s most popular children’s television shows. Naturally, the creators of said TV shows didn’t mean for any of this to happen. They’re good people. They love kids. The children are our future.

Nonetheless, be warned: spoilers follow, both of plot and of your childhood innocence...

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The Simpsons
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Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. And pro wrestling, which is both a blessing and a curse depending on exactly how bad RAW is this week. I tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless at @desincarne. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.