The Apprentice Week 5 Review - Duane Gets Fired
It’s a shame, Duane showed real potential early on but his pigeheadedness in this task cost him his place.
rating: 3
So another week has come and passed, and with unemployment still a rising concern the BBC sees fit to grant us with more and more footage of imbeciles vying for a big money investment in television that is both galling and upsetting to watch, but also a subtle indication as to what the future may hold if the job situation stays as it is: i.e A desperate, shameless, televised battle to the death for the last remaining burger flipper position at McDonalds. In keeping with that theme, this weeks desperate and shameless televised battle for Lord Alan Sugars electronic equipment fuelled blood money involves class A misogyny from Misogynist Adam, the invention of new exercise regimes and Lord Sugar not shuffling the teams around and making my job a hell of a lot simpler. Its the little things in life you know. So yes, Lord Sugar sets this weeks task in an imposing looking boxing arena and the task is for the teams to create a new gym exercise activity (like Zumba, boxercise, places for elderly men to lust after healthy women, you get the gist), make an advertisement video with all the choreographed moves and pitch it to three of the Britains largest gym chains. Simple enough. For Sterling, Snake Hips Ricky threw his hat into the ring (PAHAHAHAHA...Because theyre near a boxing ring...This isnt easy you know) and his muscles and latin dancing background somehow convinced the rest of the team that he was best suited for the role of team leader. Over on Phoenix, And on the 8th Day, I invented god Steve took the charge as he works in this particular industry and had the brilliant business plan of something unique, which I hear is an unheard of method of creation when it comes to todays new business plans. Eventually after much congratulatory hand shaking and arm gesturing, ideas start getting bandied about, Snake Hips Ricky and Rottweiler Laura on Sterling want a mix between martial arts and street dance, a more graceful way to kick someones ass. And on the 8th day I invented god Steven wants a unique product, filled with uniqueness which people will get impressed by its uniqueness. Quiet Blonde Katie makes a suggestion; Misogynist Adam is amused by this...Women making suggestions. Its like a hippie love in. Eventually they settle on an 80s themed work out, with 80s dance moves designed as work outs, and space hoppers, hula hoops and skipping ropes; because nothing says unique more than carbon copying an era from history. After this decision process the groups split up to go design their dance moves, Floppy Haired Nick leads a Sterling sub team to a street dance group, whilst Misogynist Adam leads a group from Phoenix to an 80s dance troupe, where bendy girls dance for his viewing pleasure.. He approves of this turn of events. Following much designing of moves, Misogynist Adam doing the dance to thriller, back up dancers looking bemused, Floppy Haired Nick charming young dancing females; both of the teams new routines have an identity. Patriotic Gabrielle takes a break from painting union jacks everywhere to come up with Beat Battle for Sterling. On the flipside, And on the 8th day I invented God Steve comes up with Groove Train, which he thinks is unique, unique and unique. To the videos! Snake Hips Ricky puts Duane The Bin Man in charge of Beat Battles video, where Rottweiler Laura will star and Floppy Haired Nick will be there to do...something. Similarly, Groove Train involves putting Hot Pants Azhar in impractically small shorts, disco balls, Blending In To The Background Jade directing and Misogynist Adam complaining about her, and pretending to choreograph things. Things are much more interesting over on Beat Battles video, Duane The Bin Man wants to focus on the dancing, whereas Floppy Haired Nick believes they should split focus between dancing and martial arts as, you know, that is what their product is. Unfortunately for Nick and Laura, Duane was put in charge, and apparently went to the Kim Jong Il school of power handling and every decision was his, therefore the video lost direction and became rather uncomfortable viewing, however Floppy Haired Nick (who is now my favourite) was there to save the day. After Duane and Laura had their 8,000th argument in the car Nick, straight faced, says ...So what should we talk about? And then bursts into laughter. I like him. Hes my favourite. On to the pitches, Ricky performs admirably for Sterling, despite one bad idea to get Duane The Bin Man to show some of the moves in person, which he succeeds in and impresses the buyers, not makes a tit of himself by almost falling over....Because that would be embarrassing. Phoenix come a cropper on the storage of all the extra equipment, which they include in the cheaper than Sterlings licensing for their exercise. To avoid looking unprofessional in their second pitch And on the 8th Day I invented God Steve decides to give prices of all the extra equipment...Which he plucks from thin air, ignoring all laws of costing and definitely avoiding looking unprofessional. We come to the boardroom with everything looking quite simple, Phoenix have to lose, they committed the crimes of asking unreasonable demands of all the gyms they would sell to, put Azhar in shorts so small it makes me want to stop paying my license fee and all in all had Steve involved....Yet they win. HOW DID THEY WIN?! Oh, one gym company wants the product but for a completely different style and target market than they pitched it at. Thats not really a win is it? So Phoenix do the routine celebratory arm waving and go to a spa day, where Misogynist Adam has women rubbing his feet and massaging him as a treat, or what he would call, the way things effing should be. Back in the Cafe of Broken Dreams, Sterling are at a loss, they saw the other teams product. It sucked. How did they lose? Seriously, how did they lose? Duane tries to get around this by saying We didnt fail. Nick says ...We lost?. I love him. In the boardroom, all attitudes turn towards the video as the failure of the task, as it should be, it sucked. Ricky rightly brings in Laura and Duane (the...well not brains...The something behind the videos) to face Lord Sugars deadly finger (...). Both Rottweiler Laura, who enjoys doing impressions of petulant children, and Duane The Bin Man, who insists the task was not a failure, blame Ricky...Because they did not achieve what he told them to. Meanwhile a nation collectively starts bleeding out of their ears. Eventually, Lord Sugar deems Duane The Bin Man, the person who lost them this task due to his misdirection of the video, even though a nation disagrees and wants Laura to go, he fires Duane. *sigh* Who Was Fired: Duane The Bin Man Was it the right decision?: Its a shame, Duane showed real potential early on but his pigeheadedness in this task cost him his place. If he had been more reasonable he would be fine, he wasnt. Hes not fine. This weeks valuable business lesson: Be unique, unique, unique and did I mention be unique?