Bill became evil-vampire-God, Eric and Bill had the Best Bromance Ever Sookie slept with all the boy vampires, that woman Sam was dating whose name I can’t remember started puking blood on TV, Tara and Pam are lesbians together because…stuff, Jessica was sleeping with Jason, Jason was seeing his dead parents who told him to kill vampires, Nora-the-British-vampire was there, Andy had a fairy litter, and I think Lafayette was there somewhere. Oh, and fairies. Lame ones.
Bill comes back and is very interested in swear words, also killing anything that moves and blowing up buildings because he’s…bored? Evil? Motivations aren’t important, right?
Sookie trips while running for her life, then uses magic to make light because vampires can’t see in the dark. Eric makes a bad pun and gets them out of the exploding building via the elevator shaft. Jason shoots vampires and miscalculates the trajectory of their gut-splosions. Nora insults everybody and calls Pam “Pamela,” so she’s middle-of-the-road in the awesome department. Also Sam is dragging an almost-dead woman I forgot existed around, and she says to take the kid saying “Mommy” and run. Sam takes Emma and runs, which is a pretty straightforward and sensible plan when you think about it.
Buildings start blowing up, Nora yells at everyone not to go back for people—which is exactly the opposite of what Eric just demonstrated, but whatever—and then Eric and Sookie turn up with transport. They start to drive away from the exploding building and rampant killing, but then Jessica sees something and tells Eric to stop. Eric lacks impulse control, so he not only stops but swerves so everyone can watch the murderous-killing-naked-god burn down the Vampire Conference Room. Because drama.
Recapper: WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE STOPPING! RUN! SCARY EXPLOSIONS=RUN! Also, wasn’t the Vampire Conference Center all underground?
The Theme Song, which after the second season actually had negative relevance to the plot, begins to play. Seriously, the credits are as gorgeous as ever, but this song has LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT ANYMORE, so it’s really disorienting to listen to it.
Recapper: Hey, Bill directed this one!
Jason: Unless he’s flying over our heads, like a naked evil superman.
Recapper: I officially take back all the hateful things I’ve said to you because that was perfect.
Sookie explains that Bill is dead, Eric, Sookie, and Jessica are sad. Nora and Jason are mean. Tara and Pam apparently don’t talk in cars.
New Character Alert: political-caricature-Governor makes a legitimate point about how vampires are killing all the people, then says a bunch of fascist anti-vampire stuff and encourages everyone to learn to kill vampires. Then this suspicious girl shows up, throws fake blood, and starts yelling about “humans for vamps,” but I’m sure you shouldn’t remember that because it won’t become important later. The governor makes a kinda-funny joke about how he’s okay but not his suit, then comes out with a dead president quote.
Recapper: I’m just going to take a moment to imagine Andrew Jackson’s reaction to being told about this moment.
Everyone tells Jason to shut up, and Nora points out that all the bad stuff is totally their fault, then fights with Pam. Eric decides this is the optimal time to stop and have some heartfelt conversations, so he dramatically pulls over and walks off. Then he and Pam fight because character conflict, and Tara uses her first line of the season to insult Eric, engraving her name on the shit list.
This article was first posted on June 24, 2013