Open on: Sookie Stackhouse sleeping through pivotal events happening two feet away. Also a very hairy vampire who probably smells like wet dog comes out of the air on the Indsutrial Bridge Of Doom.
The Increasingly and Shockingly Irrelevant Credits role. Hey, maybe the song applies to Jason? Wait, he hates Jessica now…
Anyway, post-credits, Jason has failed to stop the car from barreling towards a tree, so his crazy fairy grandpa has to materialize in front of him and shoot glowy lightning to stop it.
Recapper: Seriously, would someone explain about the fairy lightning already? What the hell is it, exactly?
Jason gets out of the car, points his gun and swears, and the guy introduces himself as “your fucking fairy grandfather.” To prove it, he says he’s been watching over Jason his whole life, which implies that this guy has seen some seriously messed up sex stuff. Remember that time Jason’s penis got vampire-blooded and almost exploded? And that time he saw holes in everybody’s heads? And that time he got raped by a town of were-panthers that we never heard about again?
Rather than asking any of these questions, Jason gets lost in a football reverie. Because Jason.
Jason relaxes, and asks why grandpa’s introducing himself now. Grandpa explains to him that he was testing Jason, and that all he discovered is that Jason is a fucking idiot. Which, really, if he’d been watching Jason his whole life you’d think he would have known that already.
Jason insists that he’ll be ready for Warlow, and Grandpa points out that Warlow will eat Jason for lunch, then he takes away Jason’s gun.
Recapper: you can have that back when you’ve proved you’ve learned your lesson.
Grandpa ignores the Recapper, gives Jason back his gun, and ominously teases Warlow.
Recapper: This much buildup, there’s no way in hell Warlow will last more than a minute and a half.
Pam and Tara are in Fangtasia. Tara is screaming while Pam frets. Eric comes in and Takes Charge, digging into the wound with a bottle.
The bullet turns out to be silver and emitting UV light. Eric proves he has not watched the last decades’ vampire movies (Underworld, people: you’d think he’d adore Selene) by asking where the government got that weapon. Nora points out that, before Eric helpfully murdered the general’s ass last year (don’t worry–I barely remember too), he said they had all kinds of weapons to deal with the ancient, super-powered, and often murderous fiends in their midst. This was surprising.
Nora is astonished that the humans would fight back against vampires, showing that she too is sadly behind on her pop cultural knowledge. Genre Savviness people: it saves lives. Nora and Pam discuss how no one ever fought back before because there was True Blood.
Recapper: Am I the only one who remembers Season 2? Guys? Hello?
Eric and Pam discuss being scared of humans, Pam says they should be worried and talks about how all her shit was stolen, how the Authority fucked everyone, etc. Nora insists that they have to kill a vampire god, proving that she really has only one idea in her pretty little head.
Eric gets as pissed about this as me, and throws the bullet and its glass container on the floor. He talks about how he’ll give the humans war, then gives orders. When Nora whines, he freaks out and is generally too cool to explain his plans to the idiots.
Jessica wakes up when she hears Bill screaming bloody murder. Moyer tries hard to sound both emotional and Southern, and just sounds weird. Jessica tries to get useful information out of Bill, who seems near emotional collapse. Then he apparently goes into some kind of trance.
He wakes up in what I think is the Vampire Fairyland. Seriously: weird sex stuff, time lag, odd lighting. Vampire Fairyland. At least this time he isn’t wearing beige. Am I the only one who remembers that? Yep? Okay then.
Although I’d trade beige for these weird curtseying women who walk with their vaginas thrust forward. Ah, True Blood, what would we do without you? Well, our nightmares would be a lot less colorful.
Anyway, Lillith actually has clothing! This is a surprising twist. Also, Bill is confused, but less “kill everybody” than Nora. Lillith sagely explains that “events have been set in motion.”
Recapper: When you say “events,” do you mean “free pancake week at Merlottes” or “Vampire Holocaust”? Because it’s hard to tell when you’re all enigmatic.
Sookie wakes up to Arlene reminding her—and us—that she still has a job. The kind where you show up, and they pay you. Arlene forgets that Sookie dates vampires and hangs out with fairies and stuff and tells her a hangover isn’t adequate excuse for oversleeping.
Arlene and Terry then talk to Patrick’s wife. Patrick was eaten by a smoke monster in an ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE plotline that was a wholly inappropriate metaphor for PTSD and war crimes. It was insulting and horrible and in terrible taste, so True Blood feels the need to bring it back because Social Commentary. Remember that term: it will come back up, and I will bitch.
Terry tries to tell the truth to the wife lady, and but Arlene for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON except the plot lies through her teeth. This will definitely come back to distract us from vampire god drama, so remember it.
Sookie spots a badly injured dude on the ground, and hilariously/callously insists that she has a job, and today she just cannot take it. Then she gives up and goes back, saying “Gosh dang it.”
Recapper: I forgot that Sookie doesn’t swear. Although, considering how many times we’ve seen her boobs at this point, it would really be fine to drop the whole “innocent caught up in magical affairs” stuff. Really. Please?
Sookie asks if the guy is a fairy, and luckily the guy has heard about the incredibly well kept secret of fairy blood. He and Sookie bond over blood and fairies and hospitals being confused by their non-blood-type blood.
Recapper: Excellent! This is exactly what the show needed! Another fuck-buddy for Sookie Stackhouse. God knows we didn’t have enough before, and Alcide is out of the running. Geez.
Meanwhile, back at Merlotte’s, a bunch of students from what I assume is my college walk into Merlotte’s. Seriously, I think I know them. Arlene is sassy at them, while Emma and Lafayette work through Emma’s grief. At her Mom dying. Twelve hours ago. Also, Lafayette tells Sam to bring food, apparently forgetting that he is in a trailer thirty feet from a restaurant.
One of the hippies harasses Sam, having figured out that he’s a Shifter based on last years anti-Supes plot. Or was it the year before? Seriously, I don’t remember. They wore Obama masks. It was dumb.
The hippie girl tells Sam to come out as a shifter, talks about the Vampire Unity Society, VUS. Then she draws this whole parallel between all the civil rights movements in history and gets up on this high horse about the Freedom Riders and interracial marriage. RANT WARNING: Then she displays (I’m a history major people) a terrible grasp of the history of the civil rights movement and claims that her interracial couple grandparents drove with the Freedom Riders and were attacked, and even though they were naive they started the civil rights movement. Here’s the correction: 1) Freedom Riders weren’t “attacked,” they were brutally beaten, bombed, jailed, and occasionally killed, 2) The Freedom Riders did not in any way shape or form start the Civil Rights Movement. The Movement started way before that, in a hundred different places, and had in fact been subtly under way long before the crazy and overall unhelpful Freedom Riders tore into the Deep South.
Okay, rant over. So Sam refuses to come out of the supernatural closet. Nicole already proved her stupidity by approaching a man who, when his secret was discovered, was targeted and almost murdered by a hate group. She’s super bitchy and gives a bad name to social activists everywhere, and that’s before what happens later.
This article was first posted on June 27, 2013