Rating: ★★★★½

Something tragic is coming to Bon Temps. Everything about the show tells me that someone is going to be biting the big one … Although it presumably won’t be till episode 12. I’ve just checked and that episode will be called “And When I Die”, so that would seem to confirm my theory.

See, a lot of the characters are heading on a self-destructive trajectory. So, whilst neither the vamps nor the witches might be responsible, I’m thinking that someone from the opening credits is going to wave bye-bye.

They’re certainly preparing us for that with last week’s cliff-hanger … Which is dispensed with in a matter of seconds. No surprises, but it’s still a pretty-good first indication of the way things are going.

We get an indication that trouble is brewing early on when the local werewolf Alpha, Marcus, informs his pack to “Stay the fuck away from the Vampires and Witches at war”. This is the first time we have heard of their enmity referred to as a war, but, as the episode proceeds, that description becomes ever-more accurate. This, of course, means that Alcide has as good as been told not to interfere with Sookie’s life.

Andy is losing it big style – he finds himself on all fours seriously thinking of eating the melted remains of Beulah, the dead vamp, just to get some V. Jason is shocked and disappointed, which gives Andy the opening for some serious bonding – so he confesses his sins – but Jason’s may-fly attebtion-span he … eh … Sorry, what was I writing? Oh, yeah.  So, Andy gets no respite … Which I fear is going to push him past the point of no return soon!

Bill turns up at the site of the dead vampire – like any politician at the scene of a murder – and takes the opportunity to glamour the TV journalist into letting him read his prepared statement – it’s his chance to communicate to all vamps and non-vamps at once. He has never looked more presidential.

His broadcast serves its purpose: Marnie-Antonia is livid that she only killed one vamp and seeing him on the TV, looking so calm and collected, makes her rant about undead things being an affront to God. That’s rich coming from her.

Meanwhile, in the back of his limo, Bill switches from being a president to being a commander in chief – he brokers a meetings with Marnie-Antonia to take place, appropriately, in a cemetery.

But what of Eric and Sookie, the love-birds, I hear you cry? Well, after his day under silver, he’s injured so needs to feed on her special blood. She then feeds on his blood – which is more intimate than sex for a vampire – but also means she’s getting high on her own supply, as it were.

Under the influence of her Faerie blood, they act like a couple of stoned teens “Oh wow … Your blood is amazing” she gushes … As they’re all nekkid in the shower. And, yes, Alexander Skarsgård finally gets his ass out. Happy now?

They fantasise about a Faerie Bed in Faerie Land and go at it right there – in the snow – like they’ve fallen through the back of a wardrobe. I tellya, if Mr. Tumnus had stumbled onto this sight, he’d turn up his hooves in shock.

Sookie whimpers that she didn’t believe she could ever love again … That’s funny, cos it took her next to no time to forget Bill … Almost like it’s her who had her memory wiped.

Eric says he wants to run away with her so that he never remembers being a warrior and they can live together forever. But Sookie is terrified of commitment, clearly preferring relationships that are doomed from the start, so she tells him (rather cruelly, I thought, since he’s a thousand-year-old vampire): “There’s no such thing as forever”.

Their relationship is clearly heading for the rocks, on which Jess and Hoyt’s has already crashed. She fantasises about splitting up with him and trading him in for Jason. So, emboldened by her fantasy, goes through with the split. But his reaction is not quite what she expected.

Rather than bursting into tears and telling her he’ll die without her – as she’d imagined – he turns on her, attacking her for being a perpetual virgin (remember that from last season) who can never have a normal life – or kids – and throws her out. He rescinds his invite and she’s outside on her ass.

She runs to Jason who reacts with the same venom and does exactly the same thing.  And so she’s outside. Alone. Where will she go and how will she respond?

It’s a day for role-reversals, it seems. With Hoyt wearing the trousers for once … Tommy, ironically, is doing the opposite: Indulging in a little cross-dressing. As is LaFayette!

Little Mikey and LaFayette are reintroduced to the black Frenchwoman only they can see. Turns out her name is Mavis and her son was killed by his white, married father many years ago. It seems, if she can’t have her own baby, she wants someone else’s.  LaFayette – The powerful Medium, remember – swallows her all up and is promptly possessed by the woman … Adopting all of her mannerisms – more successfully than Tommy managed!

Back at the Wolfpack, Debbie reminds Alcide to stay away from Sookie and so, in response, he immediately heads off to Sookie’s house because … Ehm … Well, the writer needs him to be there and clearly couldn’t think of a decent motivation to get him there.

And so we arrive at the meeting between Bill and Marnie-Antonia. Both arrive at the cemetery alone and unarmed. Yeah, right. Their confrontation is, frankly, epic, with Eric turning into a feral vampire beast and Marnie-Antonia turning into a fearsome opponent. There are an extraordinary number of surprises and shocks in this culminating sequence.

After this, they really will be at war! Can’t wait.

Oh, and the best five minutes of the season so far is followed by the best piece of end credit music!

Written by Alan Ball

Directed by Daniel Minahan

Main cast: Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgård, Sam Trammell, Rutina Wesley, Nelsan Ellis, Deborah Ann Woll, Marshall Allman, Kevin Alejandro

 

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