10 MORE TERRIBLE Decisions We Have Made As The Authority Of WWE
Are we the baddies?
We all make mistakes.
Some of us, too scared of an incriminating work email, prolong the agony by failing to immediately address it. Some project our own inner turmoil onto their undeserving loved ones.
Some of us even book documented ratings poison Baron Corbin to headline a pay-per-view.
D'oh!
Yes, we are a few days removed from our six-month anniversary as the installed Authority of WWE. And, in summation, we've done a sh*tty, sh*tty job. This week's RAW rating, unopposed by major sports competition, is down almost 23% from last year. Asuka's Royal Rumble win over Becky Lynch, a win that created an in-built post-WrestleMania 35 programme? She doesn't speak English very well, godd*mnit, so it's off to obscurity she goes. But Lacey Evans is an adequate replacement, when she isn't an atrocity. We exacerbated Tommaso Ciampa's neck injury. We realised the great, unifying emotion of endangering a loved one to form a tag team. We then vanished said tag team. We've promoted 10 NXT stars to the main roster, none of whom have retained the aura with which they starred in Full Sail.
But wait, there's more, as RAW rolls on...
10. Implemented The Wild Card Rule
We took on a mammoth task, that fateful evening of December 17, 2018. We had to juggle several responsibilities, appease several masters.
According to the man we succeeded, Vince McMahon, ratings are down largely as a result of a recent injury crisis over which we have little control. This sh*t ain't ballet. We'd rather call it ballet than "wrestling", but the point still stands. In an earlier investor call, Vince recognised dwindling live event business. He advised investors that the concept is "antiquated". Reimagining the business model is on the agenda. No investors pointed this out, but WWE is facing yet another crisis: a demoralised roster, many of which have either requested their release, or are running down their contracts.
So how do we address these key issues? How do we address these key issues in the f*cking dumbest, most farcical, least popular manner imaginable?
Wild Card, bitches!
To prevent a further injury crisis, we...have elected to overwork the top stars by booking them on consecutive flagship shows, the performance level required of which is more demanding than the fun, comedic stalling of the house show loop.
To reimagine the live event model, we...cancelled several at the last minute, thus killing several towns.
To motivate the talent roster, we...have banished over half of them to catering.
But this is all in service of you, the fans. You want to see the top stars! From different angles, again and again and again and again and again!