10 Things That Would Happen If Today’s WWE Wrote The Attitude Era

9. Stone Cold Steve Austin's New And Improved Scripted Promos

stone cold steve austin stephanie mcmahon
WWE

Steve Austin was one of, if not the best promo of all-time: chilling and hilarious, authentic and charismatic, Austin was the hardest bastard showman ever.

But that's all a bit wrasslin', isn't it?

He was gruff, and a bit uncouth, and thus not appropriate for the pervasive sheen of WWE's sports entertainment television. Austin drew gigantic TV ratings, but the largest potential U.S. audience doesn't like wrestling. They like wise-cracking three-camera sitcom dudes, and it doesn't matter that most shows of that ilk get cancelled, because 2019 Vince McMahon hates wrestling because he is better than wrestling because he conquered wrestling.

His abysmal bastardisation of quasi-wrestling is so bad that it has effectively spawned AEW, but that doesn't matter. Vince is a genius, every f*cker else is a cog, and so 2019 Vince imposes his bullsh*t on 1998 Steve Austin.

"Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass, and son-"

"Don't say son. We can't market that."

"Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass, and the Big Red Machine, you're-"

"Don't say ass. It's unsavoury. We do things with more class here in WWE, quite frankly."

"Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your butt, and the Big Red Machine, you're going to wish that you burned to death in the fire that scorched and killed your parents."

"That's good sh*t, pal!"

Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and surefire Undisputed WWE Universal Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!