5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (August 10)

The Extraordinarily Tiny Man Who Can't Do WWE Main Events.

Tiny Irishman
WWE

John Cena's existing in-ring arsenal is somewhat tired.

His double shoulder block combination, which forces his opponents to get up and take another despite knowing full well what's coming, is very contrived. Even though they know what's coming, John helpfully reminds them with his loud spot calling. "One more!" he shouts, for the apparent benefit of those in the cheap seats. That is his excuse. He "cannot prefabricate" his matches behind the curtain, despite WWE employing several producers to do precisely that, and despite running through the same sequence in at least, and this isn't hyperbole, per Cagematch, almost 2000 matches post-main event face push.

Cena in this sequence also misses a clothesline before gently lowering his opponents to the mat, as if putting an infant that has just drifted off into their Moses basket with his fingers crossed. When landing, he also sticks his feet out an angle far funnier than any of his fudgin' promos. Then comes the graze of his Five Knuckle Shuffle (edging fetish confirmed) before he hits what is, essentially, a sh*tty fireman's carry. Though perhaps not for long.

Wrestling isn't about moves. Even Daniel Bryan, a technical genius, runs through a similarly repetitive sequence requiring a certain amnesia on the part of his foes. It's just that Cena is really quite poor at executing them.

It's just as well that the routine requires his opponents to occupy the exact same position. When not drawing on the experience of 30,000 hours, he can't see them...

5. John Cena To Debut Sixth Move Of Doom

Tiny Irishman
WWE.com

From the burning embers of his prenuptial agreement, white smoke rose from John Cena's mansion this week as he announced the imminent debut of a sixth move of doom. Cena must choose carefully, for whenever he has tried to add to his repertoire in recent years, it has almost invariably failed.

He tried to adopt a falling DDT in his otherwise really good mini-series with Cesaro. He let go of his head before it hit the mat. He looks like one of those old Hasbro figures with the legs stuck together when he delivers his dropkick. His manages the "release" element of the release Fisherman suplex, but tends to release his opponents onto their coccyx. His Frankensteiner was a disgrace to Scott. Remember the springboard Stunner? He shelved that when he realised that he has enough trouble travelling forwards.

There is a reason Jim Ross used to euphemistically refer to him as "just unorthodox". Cena, a great worker if not pure wrestler, is not meant to do sh*t he can't do. Look at his poor face seconds before he connects - or rather, barely connects - with his top rope flying leg drop. He looks terrified. He looks like he's about to open a paternity test.

Cena has tried and quietly dropped a sh*t-load of moves in the past. God knows what's in store for his opponent in China, but if he's genuinely relegating the AA to a signature - more so than he already has - here's hoping he doesn't get too ambitious.

Fingerpoke of Doom?

Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and surefire Undisputed WWE Universal Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!