5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (August 10)

The Extraordinarily Tiny Man Who Can't Do WWE Main Events.


John Cena's existing in-ring arsenal is somewhat tired.

His double shoulder block combination, which forces his opponents to get up and take another despite knowing full well what's coming, is very contrived. Even though they know what's coming, John helpfully reminds them with his loud spot calling. "One more!" he shouts, for the apparent benefit of those in the cheap seats. That is his excuse. He "cannot prefabricate" his matches behind the curtain, despite WWE employing several producers to do precisely that, and despite running through the same sequence in at least, and this isn't hyperbole, per Cagematch, almost 2000 matches post-main event face push.

Cena in this sequence also misses a clothesline before gently lowering his opponents to the mat, as if putting an infant that has just drifted off into their Moses basket with his fingers crossed. When landing, he also sticks his feet out an angle far funnier than any of his fudgin' promos. Then comes the graze of his Five Knuckle Shuffle (edging fetish confirmed) before he hits what is, essentially, a sh*tty fireman's carry. Though perhaps not for long.

Wrestling isn't about moves. Even Daniel Bryan, a technical genius, runs through a similarly repetitive sequence requiring a certain amnesia on the part of his foes. It's just that Cena is really quite poor at executing them.

It's just as well that the routine requires his opponents to occupy the exact same position. When not drawing on the experience of 30,000 hours, he can't see them...


Former Power Slam Magazine scribe and author of Development Hell: The NXT Story - available NOW on shop.whatculture.com!