5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (Feb 8)
“I understand and wish to proceed…”
Professional wrestling is an inherently disgusting industry. A bare-faced affront to workers’ rights made up of total mad men and monopolised by a lunatic with a toddler’s sense of humour, it was thought that we’d seen it all.
We’ve seen revolting unprotected chair shots, wrestlers blasted onto trays of dog sh*t, enlarged moles eaten off the face of women by boogeymen, exploitation of substance addiction and death by major, complicit companies, widow-pestering, hook suspension, wrestlers whose whole shtick involves bloodbaths knowingly infecting their opponents with hepatitis, attempted murders, actual murders, mercifully aborted angles capitalising on those murders, abortions, miscarriages, managers pissing their pants, slut-shaming, fat-shaming, gay-shaming, incest-celebrating, blacking up, mock hangings, fake prosthetic octogenarian breasts, women forced to bark like dogs on national television, hand births, Bells Palsy-as-banter, necrophilia-simulation-as-banter, attempted castrations, WWE selling Saudi Arabia propaganda, Tommy Dreamer drinking the Undertaker’s regurgitated tobacco spit, Tommy Dreamer’s teary-eyed promos…
And, if you like, the sight of Brian Knobbs’ gaping a**hole is a mere click away!
Wrestling has changed, Wellness Policy, it’s all gone PG, yada yada yada, they all play video games now.
Not all of ‘em.
5. Priscilla Kelly’s Sloppy Gimmick Table
After sending the wrestling old school into a pearl-clutching meltdown on Twitter recently, Priscilla Kelly, colloquially known as the “tampon wrestler”, is now back. And she’s comin’ to, she’s comin’ to, she’s comin’ to puke! She’s gonna puke!
At the Ultimate Bar Brawl in Atlanta, Priscilla experimented further with bodily fluids. On this late night bar show held exclusively for adults, it’s not as if she pissed her pants, or anything disgusting like that. Instead, she vomited all over opponent Eli Everfly. “Kick his head off!” screamed her husband Darby Allin. She didn’t do this, but instead, and it bears repeating, vomited all over his face. You might deem this a desperate attempt to maintain social media buzz, but that’s pro wrestling in 2019 for you. Is vomiting all over a fellow professional’s face that much worse than, say, WWE jobbing Dean Ambrose out to Nia Jax before his imminent departure?
“That R-Truth YouTube clip did numbers.”
And at least this was the actual finish; in 2019, there are just two finishes that actually live up to the name: Kenny Omega’s One-Winged Angel, and Priscilla Kelly vomiting all over an opponent’s face.
This wasn’t so bad. It’s not as if she took a sh*t…took a picture of said sh*t…and then…sold it…for $5…