WWE Crown Jewel: Full Results

What went down in [NAME REDACTED] this afternoon?

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WWE's latest jaunt to the desert has, against all better judgement, came and mercifully gone - and it was eventful as it was farcical.

The main show opened with Hulk Hogan making his ill-timed WWE return, cutting a generic promo which all but said "I'm only here for the money, brother." Was it worth it? Sadly, it almost certainly will have been.

The first round of the World Cup (to determine the best in the world) began with Rey Mysterio catching Randy Orton with a roll-up. Randy beat Mysterio up after the bell, like a right bastard.

The next first round encounter saw The Miz reverse Jeff Hardy's Twist of Fate into a Skull Crushing Finale to book his place in the semi-final.

Seth Rollins surprised Bobby Lashley with a Curb Stomp to progress, before Dolph Ziggler ended Kurt Angle's dreams with a Zig-Zag after escaping from an ankle lock.

The Big Show intervened to help The Bar retain their SmackDown tag team titles, before we moved on to the two World Cup semi-finals. The Miz overcame a depleted Rey Mysterio, after which Dolph Ziggler eliminated Seth Rollins in a good match.

In the hastily rearranged WWE Title contest, Samoa Joe once more failed to get the best of AJ Styles, succumbing to a phenomenal forearm by the champ. AJ now surpasses Diesel on the list of longest WWE title reigns. He's now nearly part of the 365-day community.

The vacant Universal Title was up for grabs between Brock Lesnar and Braun Strowman, and of course, such is WWE's wont, big Brock battered Braun, mauling the Monster Amongst Men with six F5s to become a two-time champ. Yippee.

Shane McMahon - yes, you read that right, Shane McMahon - won the WWE World Cup (to determine the best in the world) when he replaced an injured Miz early on, and hit Dolph Ziggler with a coast-to-coast. This actually happened.

Finally, Shawn Michaels made his dramatic return in the Saudi show's main-event, looking very much like the love child of Barry Windham and Christopher Daniels. He and Triple H eventually conquered The Undertaker and Kane in a long contest, which exceeded the frankly dismal expectations. But not by much. At one point, Kane's mask fell off. Yup.

Best of all, the whole thing is done and dusted, and we can all get on with forgetting it ever happened.

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Editorial Team
Editorial Team

Benjamin was born in 1987, and is still not dead. He variously enjoys classical music, old-school adventure games (they're not dead), and walks on the beach (albeit short - asthma, you know). He's currently trying to compile a comprehensive history of video game music, yet denies accusations that he purposefully targets niche audiences. He's often wrong about these things.