7 Hilariously Batsh*t Things David "Avocado" Wolfe Believes

Gravity is a hoax. The Internet says so.

Being a full-time skeptic, I long ago since accepted the world is full of people who believe in stupid sh*t. Throughout my time ranting on the Internet, I have found no end of unadulterated crazy peddled by con-artists and promoted by people who don’t have enough critical thinking skills to understand they’re getting screwed – both intellectually and financially.

Detox foot baths, alkaline diets, bleach enemas as treatment for Autism, essential oils to treat cancer, Reflexology, Chiropractic for newborns and a never-ending tirade of anti-pharmaceutical rambling spewed forth by those looking to sell the latest placebo to scientifically illiterate crunchy mums. I thought I’d seen and heard it all – until now.

Enter David “Avocado” Wolfe. A man with a 90’s haircut and a chocolate obsession, who markets himself using the name of a food that looks like a sinus infection. David has made quite a name for himself, citing himself as “the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe. The world’s top CEOs, ambassadors, celebrities, athletes, artists, and the real superheroes of this planet—Moms—all look to David for expert advice in health, beauty, herbalism, nutrition, and chocolate!“.

Longevity universe”, from the Greek for “I slam my head against a keyboard and mummies pay me for it”.

Right, let’s get this sh*tstorm started and have a looksee at Mr Wolfe, I have booze, I have food, I have the steely-eyed resolve of a woman who is completely without fear. I’m walking into the Wolfe’s Den.

Tell my wife: “I found your stash of cookie dough. No regrets”.