If WWE Was Being Honest About The XFL

Seattle Dragons
XFL

Vince McMahon is fundamentally incapable of doing anything that isn’t pro wrestling. Purist bodybuilding aficionados loathed the WBF for tacking on “entertainment” to its sport. The WBF bombed, and is remembered only for the palpitations Vince McMahon suffered at the mass of Gary Strydom who, incidentally, was put over more than any WWE star in 2019.

And there’s already a hint of the Gary Strydoms around this new venture, which revealed itself further on August 21 via team name and logo announcements. “The team names and logos were chosen exclusively to represent the spirit of football fans and their respective cities, and signify fun and football: nothing more,” said Luck. Those St. Louis Battlehawks: they just love to have fun!

Sound familiar?

The Battlehawks, per a super-serious movie announcer voice, have a mission to “create chaos”, and not, you know, use logical plays that might secure victory. It’s all so corny already. So Vince. The Tampa Bay Vipers are “ready to strike”—from outta nowhere! The New York Guardians, “all teeth and talons”, “feed off fear”.

“Rising from the turbulent sea beneath the darkening skies” come the “relentless, ruthless” Seattle Dragons—“not of folklore, but of football,” the voiceover points out, helpfully. “This is your darkest fantasy in cleats,” the VO continues, and what? What the f*ck? Dragons are a trope in fantasy fiction, but this sounds rather like people will want to have sex with the dragons. It’s almost as if Vince is just smushing a lot of words that begin with the same letter together with absolutely no concern about how daft they are.

The DC Defenders seek “glory through grit” and “victory through valour,” because WWE babyfaces need alliteration above all else to get over. On the subject of which, the Houston Roughnecks are “resolute, rippling with heat, railing against fatigue, unceasing and often unseen”. They are “mercenaries in muck”, “brawlers in blackened dirt”. “These are the scratching, grinding, never-bending few”.

Jesus Christ, the Houston Roughnecks are going to scratch and claw their way to the top.

CONT'D...(3 of 5)

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Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and surefire Undisputed WWE Universal Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!