In the next instalment of the James Bond franchise Skyfall - our suave assassin and occasional shagger, 007, will swap shaking-and-not-stirring for swilling-and-not-gargling as part of a commercial affiliation with Heineken that will see the worlds most famous spy develop a penchant for a particularly hoppy beer. In defence of the decision that goes someway to slice open the tradition of Bond, Daniel Craig explained that The simple fact is that, without them, we couldnt do it. Its unfortunate, but thats how it is. This movie costs a lot of money to make, it costs nearly as much again, if not more, to promote, so we go where we can. Apologetic for all the wrong reasons, Craigs lovely lickspittle explanation misses the point. Im not disappointed that Bond will no longer tilt the stem of a glass before sucking up the spirit all in the name of money; rather I am enraged that the beer chosen as an alcoholic replacement is one so simple and underwhelming. Of all the beers chosen as the necessary product placement, Heineken offers barely a bubble of character. So that the next Bond movie doesnt make the same mistake, here are the 3 beers for JB to choose next time:
3. Desperados
The bottle of choice for fey neurotics in the corners of reticent clubs, poking fruit into piss coloured liquid and enjoying the feral sweetness and the continental chic. From the stiffness of dry Martini to the loose vibes of Desperados, Bond would consistently abandon murder missions, in favour of laying siege to Sainsburys for a new lime. And who wouldnt want to see a handsome man in an expensive suit berating a decrepit lady behind a counter who accidentally pointed him towards the lemons?
2. Newcastle Brown Ale
The heavy stodge of Northern pubs swimming underneath a flabbing stomach, the thick medicine bottle bashed against the heads of crooked thugs, the familiar logo peeled off and used as a makeshift gag on a tittle-tattle minx Newcy Brown is Bond through and through. And once the deal is sewn up, approaching Paul Gascoigne for theme tune duty seems the only reasonable option.
1. Stella Artois
Though its slick advertising campaign attempts to convince you that a sip of this liquor will turn you into a spanking, skinny Frenchman creepily flirting with strangers on public transport, in reality this beer will always be the beer of the untidy bedroom, of the night out, of the swaying, stumbling, cheesy-chips ordering champion of the taxi fondle. Cut to Bond in a tuxedo, with a L-plate around his neck, a can in one hand and a revolver in the other, bringing down the tyranny of Eastern-European governments, one gassy burp at a time.