THE COTTAGE

By Matt Holmes / June 24, 2011

Available from Amazon UK from July 14th priced at £12.98 Strangely, I had same reaction that is normally only reserved for watching a Woody Allen drama as I did when watching my advanced copy of the DVD release of The Cottage, one of those rare occasions that can only ever happen in the entertainment industry when you are intrigued enough to keep on watching something even though you know it's not very good or isn't completely working. I wouldn't go as far as far as calling it a car crash movie on par with a chubby Britney Spears performance last year at the MTV Movie Awards where "it's so bad... it's entertaining and shocking at the same time" but more the notion that you don't really know where it's going your intrigued to see just exactly what will happen next. It's kind of like a horse that's out of control and unmanned at the Grand National, they're clearly other riders doing their job properly but it's the one without the rider that you watch to see if it will go out of control and off track.

But then again at times The Cottage was terribly easy to predict, the deaths in the film occurring to the characters at the exact moment you think they will, which in a way makes the eventual surprise turns even more jarring because they are so out of left field. The movie is clearly a piss take and it's missing the wit, the cleverness or the clear love for it's genre that a movie like Shaun of the Dead carried and I think it suffers because of this. It doesn't take itself seriously enough to be hit that higher ground. The movie is a low budget British splatter comedy from British helmer Paul Andrew Williams who like the genius Edgar Wright before him has created a bunch of characters who literally stumble out of one genre, into another - hence the often bewilderment of just exactly what are we watching here? This time it's a gangster film that turns into a horror yarn, a shocking genre twist which is best summed up by the amount of "fuck, fucking hell's, what the fuck, what the fucking hell is this?" phrases that spurt out of lead Andy Serkis' mouth when things start going wrong. His character is as amazed as we are by the ever changing twist of atmosphere. Taking place entirely on one clear starry night, the "far too good for this material but fuck it I get my face on screen for once" Serkis (voiced and motion captured Kong and Gollum for Peter Jackson) and the recognisable (to Brits anyway) face of Reece Sheersmith from the similar themed League of Gentlemen, play two very different brothers who have kidnapped a young girl in order to take home a grand ransom from her rich uncle. It's a kind ofa Laurel and Hardy meets Reservoir Dogs situation. We enjoy the brothers bickering as their plan falls apart (imagine Reservoir Dogs if Mr. Pink and White were arguing DURING the crime and not afterwards). Serkis is the intelligent and brains behind the crime... he is the stronger of the two and curses his luck that his brother is a soft and over anxious prat who fails or worries himself into failing at every given moment, creating another fine mess time and time again.

After more than a few hiccups, such as the idiot brother giving away their names and taking off their disguises (which begin to look comparatively minor for what is about to come), the pair lose control of their victim (the annoying scouse Jennifer Ellison whose dialogue consists of the words cunt and fuck... looking grimaced and pissing on the toliet seat) and on trying to find her are plunged into The Texas Chain Saw Massacre as a hideously disfigured serial killer with a heart for this dead parents kills anything that comes into his path. Suddenly the bad guys, aren't the bad guys anymore. This ugly chap is... It then turns into a pretty fast paced serial killer yarn which admittedly is pretty interesting when you have actually grown to like Andy Serkis's straight man because he has clearly well planned this crime but it's not through his fault it's going tits up, and to see his gangster persona be plunged into a 70's horror. Serkis is a fine actor and he is clearly having a great time here getting his face out there on screen but the film is beneath him and Shearsmith and Ellison's move to the big screen acting is just too much of a stretch. Maybe if the film had actually been funny, we could forgive it for it's narrative shortcomings and lack of substance but it's dire and could only be appealing, though even then it's a stretch... to obsessed slasher fans who will enjoy anything with a psycho serial killer.

Paul Andrew Williams is a capable director, his last movie London to Brighton was as impressive a debut as you are to see from a young British film-maker but as he keeps telling us throughout the film, the movie is basically a joke. Why make a joke movie, instead of a movie with funny jokes? The tension building and impressively jaunty score from Laura Rossi which I can only describe as a weird carnival score composed by Bernard Hermann if we were making a Universal horror movie, deserves some great credit. But you can't see a movie on Serkis, Ellison's boobs/tiny waist and the score alone unfortunately. EXTRAS (titled here as Special Stuff)... Audio Commentary: Always like to see audio commentaries and I think they should be a must have for any film, even if the director doesn't want to it, you find someone else to fill in. Thankfully Paul Andrew Williams voices it himself - he is honest with the films shortcomings, lets us know what he would have done differently (timing and budget seemed to be a problem for him), continually praises Andy Serkis and he has a soothing... easy to listen to and straight forward voice which makes it an enjoyable listen. Deleted Scenes: With optional commentary from Williams. Tells us about a character called Smoking Joe who was to be the farmer's first victim in the opening scene. Williams tells us he cut it because he shot it like "dog's dinner" and he felt it was cliched, the "most boring scene in the whole world" which he just couldn't open the film with. The rest of the scenes mostly deal with the secondary characters, Williams is thankful none of them made the final cut continually saying stuff like "what the fuck was I doing here?". Making of The Cottage: 15 minute feature, which is undoubtedly the best extra on the disc and is pretty satisfying as far as these things go. I particularly enjoyed the feature telling us how the score was made, and also doesn't director Paul Andrew Williams look and sound uncannily like Simon Pegg, which is ironic when this movie is clearly born out of Shaun of the Dead.

Outtakes: Usual set of calamities on set. From the looks of things, Andy Serkis was the main culprit of a few. My favourite though is an extra in the background, the last out-take actually... where he clearly has a massive smile on his face when he is suppose to be terrified. Trailer: Which actually made the film look more like a typical slasher film albeit about a farmer who kills off trespassers on his land with the great tag line "Get off his land". That would have been better, especially with the brilliant score... until it changes to the comical tune and you get this movie isn't going to take itself seriously.