Gareth on The Wit & Wisdom of Malcolm Tucker

By Gareth Bunkham / April 17, 2009

On 17th April 2009, (today!) one of the greatest comedy characters ever created makes his triumphant return to our screens as Machiavellian spin doctor Malcolm The Enforcer Tucker is set loose on the big screen with the release of In the Loop.

In the Loop is, for all intents and purposes, a big screen version of the greatest British comedy in recent memory The Thick of It. One of the prime reasons for it's greatness is Alastair Campbell based godfather of spin, the brilliantly sweary Malcolm Tucker played by Peter Capaldi in a performance for which he deserves award after award. To honour the release of In the Loop, Tuckers return and to celebrate the recent announcement from creator Armando Iannucci that The Thick of It will also indeed be returning - hopefully by the years end, I decided to put together a list of Malcolms greatest moments form the first season of The Thick of It and the two subsequent specials that we were treated to, and in the process hopefully try and highlight some of the wit and wisdom that this great man has to instil in us all. So to quote the man himself Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off and enjoy

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: Hes as useless as a marzipan dildo Hes a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookies biro Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge twat Excellent. You win a years supply of condoms, which in your case is four And what did that sandal wearing nonce have to say? That is not fucking funny you retard Im really sorry, you wont hear anymore swearing from us, YOU. MASSIVE. GAY. SHITE. FUCK OFF! Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes. Im sorry mate but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head! And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it's terrible All this, hands are all over the place You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge wearing ponce... Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat that a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me... What you doing out your Petri dish? Okay twat weasel, you got that? Don't you ever, ever, call me a bully I'm so much worse than that: Because, you know, if she did that shed be dead to me, to this department, to the government and shed never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story so long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster Were gonna get this tosser Dont you worry hell be at The Sport photo-shopping the tits of Hollyoaks extras by the end of the month. You have got 24 hours to sort out your policy Or youre for the Halal Butchers That way we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitts Cornflakes Sadly, only metaphorically. Youre gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollope in the stocks Olly: Shes not my girlfriend Malcolm Malcolm: Well you wont mind if I kill her then will you? You tell your corporate affairs people, otherwise Im going to come along there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them Julius Nicholson, right, blue sky thinker, ex-business guru, dog rapist Hes been a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze this department so hard that youll be lucky if youre left with one bollock between the three of you Did you ever travel 100mph head first through a tunnel filled with pig shit because thats whats going to happen to you tonight I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, ok? What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy. And with less warmth If you don't go and get me some cheese, Im gonna rip your head off and give you a spinedectomy Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it Malcolm on Malcolm: I booked you in for the usual soapy tit wank farewell at number 10 Im connected, Im plugged into the matrix, I am the matrix! I can only cook with what Ive been given, you know, its like Ready, Steady, Cook, you give me Hugh Abbot Ill give you bangers and mash But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well, then I can raise it to a fucking risotto and scallops. NoMFuP N.O.M.F.P. Not my fucking problem Olly: I didnt want to interrupt you; I never know what youre doing Malcolm: Yeh, well if the PMs giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. Theres nothing you know that I dont know, I'm Doctor fucking know Fuck you, Andy-Pandy, I AM the loop. Other Miscellaneous Profanity: We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle That door is staying as open as a fat whores bone hole How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavour is it!? Whats the story in Bala-fucking-mory? Malcolm: Im gonna have a swear box installed on Monday by the way Hugh: What? Malcolm: Im fucking joking you twat I guess that means that youre standing in the chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.

So there you have it: proof that we can all learn something from Malcolm Tucker, if you would like more of his enlightening insights In the Loop opens Friday 17th April 2009 and a new series of The Thick of It is expected on the BBC in late 2009.