In As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholsons grouchy writer, Melvin Udall, quips that when he thinks of female characters for his novels, he takes away reason and accountability. That pretty much sums up Hollywoods cynical re-packaging of modern horror classics. In the past few years there have been slick rehashes of seminal titles such as The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Friday the 13th, and now arrives Wes Cravens TheLast House on the Left as the latest nightmare off the production line at the Dream Factory. Treating the material as sacrosanct or reverential is not necessarily the point. Most of the remakes care little for their original elements. What annoys the most is the loss of edge and daring - becoming horror movies without teeth. They dont bite, they suck. Last House on the Left does have a notorious reputation due to its grim depiction of sexual violence. The film itself is a loose remake of Ingmar Bergmans The Virgin Spring and in turn based upon a Swedish folktale. Despite finding its inspiration in Swedish medieval literature and world cinema, Wes Cravens debut film was an ultra low budget production intent on pushing the boundaries of cinematic violence. With its subtexts, memorable villian (David Hess) and disturbing subject matter, Last House on the Left became a minor sensation, and a calling card for its director who languished in low budget horror filmmaking for another decade until hitting the big time in the 1980s with ANightmare on Elm Street (another title being revamped in the near future). Greek director Dennis Iliadisre-imagining, re-tooling, or whatever the PR people want to label it (anything other than a remake!), is a deeply unpleasant film lacking the cultural pretensions of the original. The basic premise of the narrative is adhered to, and involves two teenage girls kidnapped, raped and murdered by a band of thieves led by a dangerous psychopath named Krug (played by Deadwood actor, Garret Dillahunt). By a quirk of fate, the murderous group turn up seeking shelter from a storm at the home of one of the murdered girls. The Colllingwoods help the killers until the dawning of realisation is upon them and they organise a brutal revenge bordering on nihilistic sadism. The differences between the two films are rather telling. Gone is the rock concert set-up, overt class differences between the two girls, and several character names have changed - for no discernable reason. Wes Craven and Sean Cunningham have returned to produce the new version, presumably green-lit after the success of their remake of The Hills Have Eyes. The 1974 versions budgetary restraints lent it a snuff film aesthetic. Whereas the remake is rendered in a faux naturalist glow, and its occasional use of slow motion gives it the pretty sheen of an advertisement. And despite some wince-inducing moments, including one characters head being smacked against a bathroom sink, the films violence appears ridiculous. In 2003, French filmmaker Gasper Noe put audiences through the grinder with his rape-revenge fantasy Irreversible. Its ten minute, uninterrupted take of a character being raped, became one of the most disturbing moments in recent cinema history. Last House on the Left attempts a similar repressible trick on its audience, with its sound design and volume designed for maximum emotional punch. The screams, whelps and guttural moans do send a shiver down the spine, yet as with other films in the sub genre known (rather worryingly) as gorno, it all seems rather po-faced. When the film does shift focus from the victims to the avengers, Emma and John Collingwood (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn), the film decides upon even more ludicrous death scenes than the original film contained - presumably the audience is meant to cheer along at the violent retribution. Such simplistic notions of revenge are what gall the most. There can be no emotional identification with comic depictions of violence that seem taken from the imaginary book of New and Inventive Ways To Kill Somebody In A Movie. By this stage, any subtext as to what the film wishes to bestow on the audience is completely lost in a blizzard of blood and broken furniture. In the original, there seemed a clear attempt at middle class American satire. A film that noted latent savagery within the middle class man and woman pushed too far and whose world is violated by unthinking hordes. In this new version, there is no inkling that John and Emma have the viciousness to carry out such theatrical demonstrations of inhumanity. One character has his hand shoved down into a garbage disposal unit and his fingers severed. To finish him off, a claw hammer is thwacked into his skull. The least said about how Krug is despatched, the better. The films piece-de-resistance that seems to belong to a more outré film. There is a positive word for John Murphys excellent score - it gives the film a lift it doesnt deserve. It is not a patch however on David Hesss original music that juxtaposed ballads with folk style accompaniments with violent imagery. Last House on the Left will not take its place in the pantheon of genre classics. It cannot even muster enough interest to be a guilty pleasure. Like a good majority of recent remakes trying to cash in on infamous titles of the past, this film will soon be forgotten. Yet still they come.