How about that title, eh? From here on out, I'm referring to Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief as Percy Jackson in order to save the tips of my fingers for finishing that 7,000 page novel I've been working on. Percy Jackson is the titular hero of a series of novels that inexplicably became popular in 2005 in the wake of the Harry Potter craze. Judging by this limp and seriously stupid film, the series was written with the sole intent of cashing in on the squirting vein of cash exposed by J.K. Rowling and her boy wizard. Unfortunately the film - and, apparently, the books, have very little of the magic that the Potter series wields. Logan Lerman stars as Percy, an everyday teenager who happens to have a peculiar affinity for water. As in, he can hold his breath for over seven minutes underwater. This doesn't seem to faze his best friend Grover (Brandon T. Jackson), for reasons we quickly discover. You see, Percy is the son of Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. Grover is his guardian satyr, pledged with protecting Percy. This soon becomes necessary when Poseidon and Zeus get into a grudge match over Zeus' missing lightning bolt, and the forces of the netherworld pursue Percy because they think he has it. In order to help him "discover his destiny," Percy is taken to Camp Halfblood in order to learn his unique gifts. Most of this film sounds like direct lifts from the Potter series. A wise old guardian ... half human/half supernatural hero ... a training camp for these demi-gods ... called "Halfblood." I think Rowling should get her lawyer on the line. These flagrant thefts might be excusable if the entire film didn't absolutely reek of money-grubbing desperation. The film looks and feels as if it was coughed out in an afternoon; the special effects are laughable, the sword-fighting looks arthritic, and the pacing is non-existent. Plot points fart out of the screen without a whiff of sense or meaning. Even worse, Percy himself is a hero without any heroic characteristics. Typically, the hero of a film must overcome obstacles with his skill and wits in order to succeed; here, Percy is given everything he needs by the people around him, nullifying any semblance of heroism. It's dramatically lifeless. I suppose Lerman is okay in a nothing role. The kid looks like he should be modeling underwear in a J.C. Penney catalog, and frequently his acting feels the same way. I somewhat liked Jackson as Percy's protector, but, again, the role is undernourished. Pierce Brosnan looks absolutely lost as Mr. Brunner, Percy's wise old mentor. The only performance with any zest at all is Steve Coogan as Hades; he feels like he is at least enjoying himself a little bit. But not much. This film feels like Potter meets Clash of the Titans in the valley of Van Helsing. In other words, it sucks.