Taylor Lautner STRETCHES Plausibility

By Ray DeRousse / June 25, 2011

Go screw yourself, Hollywood! Nikki Finke slipped out one last doozie before calling it a weekend: Twilight hunk of shit Taylor Lautner has been cast as Stretch Armstrong in a needless movie adaptation of the ancient toy. According to Finke, this now makes 17 year old Lautner the highest paid teenager thanks to his role in the Twilight series and the upcoming Max Steel. Hope you're saving your money, kid. Lautner is a cute young man, no doubt, but seriously - had he not put on that famous 30 pounds of muscle prior to New Moon, would we really be hearing this much about him? The muscle transformed him into a sizzling hot pin-up. Let's not forget that, prior to the weight training, Lautner was a fairly queer young man with an athleticism that was decidedly light in the loafers. As a reminder, I give you this as proof:

I would quickly add that there's nothing wrong with Lautner being gay if he is. My point is that, had Lautner remained on such a trajectory, we wouldn't have ten million girls wetting their training pads over him as they are now. We also wouldn't have to endure news about Lautner signing massive contracts. The transformation accomplished by his handlers has made him into yet another artificial hunk. Meanwhile, why on Earth is anyone thinking about making a movie about Stretch Armstrong? It was a fucking toy! From the sixties! What dramatic possibilities are afforded by this concept, besides, of course, Lautner taking off his clothes and stretching various body parts for pubescent audiences everywhere? Sometimes this garbage makes me want to wretch.