To mark the release of The Damned United this week I was charged with the fairly daunting prospect of finding ten movies about football (thats the round ball and not the misshapen one) that dont inspire the usual apathy. What follows is a list of the films that I felt offered the best depiction of what the sport represents: the all-encompassing passion, the ardent fervour and also the destructive elements. This is not to say these movies are the most accomplished movies ever committed to the canon- but neither do they deserve to be ignored simply because they use football as a theme: not everything is as bad as Goal!
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10. Zidane (2006)
But for one moment of cranial madness, Zinedine Zidane would have retired unblemished, a deity in the eyes of every football fan in the world- the man could do things with a ball that defied physical and logical possibilities. He was an artist and what better way to celebrate his special brand than to create a part documentary, part conceptual art piece, filming a match focused entirely on Zizou, so much so that the events of the match become no more than peripheral. Nothing else in art has come close to recreating the individual singular thrill of playing the beautiful game, and nothing will come close again.
9. In The Hands of the Gods (2007)
This British documentary about five young men who set out to meet their idol Diego Maradona without any money, but blessed with the type of freestyling skills that could make a monk weep, is the ultimate ode to following your dreams no matter how childish they may seem. In The Hands of the Gods is ostensibly a road movie, with added flair.
8. Linha De Passe (2008)
More than any other element of Walter Salles excellent follow up to Foreign Land, it is Darios dream of being a professional footballer that casts the most poignant light of hope over the very particular, claustrophobic dirge that is an invariable characteristic of the favela film. An important reminder of the unique opportunities the sport offers to residents of the poorest and most troubled countries in the world, and vice versa an indication of just why those countries often display the most fervent, sometimes corrupting passion for it.
7. Fever Pitch (1997)
Despite the frankly odd decision to cast Colin Firth as the everyman figure of Paul Ashworth, Fever Pitch is the best example of the idea of football as a love supreme. There are no subtle nuances, no subliminal messages; this is a harmless romantic comedy that explores the nature of love and obsession. I challenge anyone to watch it (not for Gods sake the Farrelly brothers remake) and not be utterly infected with Firths enthusiasm for the sport.
6. The Firm (1988)
Yep, controversial arent I? The Firm is the definitive look at the British hooligan culture, featuring a mesmorising and utterly unflinching performance by Gary Oldman in the lead, and is the perfectly uncompromising vision of the dystopic elements of society that rise up from the passion and fervour attached to fanaticism. This is a million miles away from the recent spate of hooligan films, with less endorsement of the culture- it is far more obvious here that the film is disgusted with the amoral attitudes at the centre of its universe rather than in the dubious The Football Factory and Green Street 2. One of the best British films of the 1980s, by the genius behind Scum and Made in Britain- the sadly departed Alan Clarke, and definitely a film that should justifiably have been seen by more people.
5. Shaolin Soccer (2001)
Just genius- Stephen Chow deserves to be heaped with accolades until his deft, nimble legs buckle under the accumulated congratulations, but how the hell did he manage to get this film green-lighted? Inevitably the choreography is impeccable throughout and the action is never more alluring than in the pandemonium of kung fu chaos that are the football scenes. Effortless, remarkable fun.
4. Gregory's Girl (1981)
Cheap looking and quickly assembled but unimaginably appealing- Gregorys Girl is not strictly a film about football, it is rather a look into the agony and awkwardness of unrequited teenage love and features a perfect discomfited performance by John Gordon Sinclair as the titular hero. But football represents Gregorys doorway into his fantasised romance, as the object of his desire is a fellow player, and the sport offers ample opportunity for laughs. Truly the best example of endearing British comedy that didnt come out of Ealing Studios in the golden age.
3. When Saturday Comes (1996)
Remember when Sean Bean was the Most Northern Man in Britain? When Saturday Comes qualifies for this list because it represents the dreams and aspirations of every single football fan- the chance to play for the team you love. Football is after all a love supreme, and Sean Beans portrayal of the local lad come good is about as affecting for us lovers as films come.
2. The Damned United (2009)
It just has to be. David Peaces book has quickly become one of the seminal texts about the Beautiful Game since its release, and with the added irresistible element of Michael The Chameleon Sheen giving us his no doubt impeccable rendition of Ole Big Head its a mouth-watering prospect. And if it does turn out to be a steaming pile, which I fully doubt, I'll eat my hat...
1. Escape to Victory (1981)
How could it not be?! Any film that combines the footballing skills of Sylvester Stallone, Pele, Ardiles and John Wark will always be up there with not only the greatest football films of all time, but also with the most enjoyable cinematic experiences of all time. Like The Great Escape, but with more balls. And the contenders for the worst... Mean Machine (2001) Strangely enough one of Vinnie Jones more watchable performances- although he lets himself down badly when he is charged with acting in pain- Mean Machine has a certain charm, but when held up against either version of The Longest Yard (yes, even the Adam Sandler remake) it is found out as the sickly sibling it is in comparison. Kicking and Screaming (2005) The most unforgettable of Will Ferrells dalliances into the world of sport-based comedy, albeit with a kid-friendly flavour and yawntastic uplifting credentials. Where are the yobs? Where is the lager? This is not football as I know it. Seriously though Kicking and Screaming is just another under-dogs versus uber-champions tale, and it never threatens to be as good as The Mighty Ducks, even if thats about a far inferior sport. Bend It Like Beckham (2002) Like a screeching Girl Power ballad to fierce independence, Bend It Like Beckham tries to say Oi, you with the testicles: respect my ability to transcend gendered norms and traditionalist family values, and dont dare stifle my natural skills. What really happens is we all laugh at Keira Knightley pretending to be an athlete. Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land (2000) Manages to be both narcissistic and sycophantic at the same time- this is the cinematic version of watching someone masturbate over a picture of themselves masturbating. Self-congratulatory and derisible, but bloody typical of a team that calls its stadium the !*$% Theatre of Dreams.
