The Lucas Of New Zealand Wants More Money From You

By Ray DeRousse / June 24, 2011

THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy was an unqualified triumph in almost every aspect. It successfully translated J.R.R. Tolkien's "unfilmable" book series to the big screen, while keeping a surprising amount of detail and nuance. It featured amazing advances in special effects, not only in technique but also in how they were used. And, aside from Liv Tyler, it featured some engaging and mesmerizing performances. But be honest. How many times have you wanted to revisit these films since their initial run? I have watched them exactly ZERO times since I caught them in theaters, and I have little desire to do so. So perhaps that's why today's Slashfilm story fills me with a little bit of dread and digust. You see, Peter Jackson is prepping the Blu-Ray versions of these three films ... except that these versions will only be the original theatrical versions. According to the story, Jackson plans another set - called an "ultimate" box set - for release sometime around the release of the upcoming HOBBIT feature films. And guess what will be coming after those films are released?? I must say that Jackson's enthusiastic handjobbing of this trilogy is quite craven and disgusting. There are already many, many versions of the DVD collection out there. You've got the regular versions, the added footage versions, the collector's versions, and even a set that contains a locket of Legolas' golden pubes. Ever since RETURN OF THE KING inexplicably won the Oscar in 2004, the DVD collections of this trilogy have stormed fan wallets like a MASSIVE-produced army of Orcs at Helms Deep. Looks like Jackson plans to keep buttfucking the golden goose in the hopes of getting at those golden eggs a little bit faster. Of course, fans recognize this behavior as "Lucasonian."

Lucasonian (Loo-kah-so-nee-an) - adjective: 1. To milk one idea until it is devoid of meaning and life and creativity. 2. To repackage the same materials again and again in order to amass the largest possible sum of money from willing, virginal retards. 3. To rape childhoods.

George Lucas has been mastering this particular brand of mass marketing scamming for decades. Every new technology release makes Lucas drool down his bearded jowl, as he suddenly sees a brand new revenue stream that he can fist into subservience. The great-great-great-great grandchildren of Jett Lucas never need to work, because now there's BLU-RAY!!!! And next year there'll be something new!! Jackson hit the motherload with the RINGS trilogy. He was never going to get Lucas-sized mountains of cash from re-releasing BAD TASTE over and over again, that's for sure. But once RINGS hit, Jackson made the conscious decision to pull those dead cow teets until the last bloody drop of milk dribbled out of them. And that's exactly what he's been doing since then ... releasing another boxed set every year, each one with slight alterations, to a fanbase too damn stupid to realize that they've been had. And now there's BLU-RAY!!! It's pretty clear from the Slashfilm story that Jackson and his merry band of merchandisers have no plans to make it clear to the consumers that this is not the full set. So they'll buy these discs when they're released, and then when the extended editions come out the following year, they'll buy those, too. And then they'll buy the Ultimate Super Edition Multi Pack that includes THE HOBBIT films. And then they'll buy the edition after that ... who knows what that could possibly include - a toenail from the unwashed foot of Jackson himself? - but I know they'll buy it. And all this does is make me want to see the films even less. I've already been swindled by Lucas, and I don't need another round. It's like getting fucked by the friends of the rapist that already had his turn with you. No thanks. I'd rather just wipe up and go home. I'm done.