Its already been hinted that a Super Smash Bros 4 will inevitably be released on the upcoming Wii U console and, if youre anything like me, thats a promise worth getting excited about. Rewind back to the announcement of SSB: Brawl for Nintendo Wii, the subsequent unveiling of the new contenders: Sonic the Hedgehog, Pokemons Lucario and whats this? That cant be right Solid Snake?In the same game as Mario and Pikachu?! Must be witchcraft! The end is nigh! Yes, it was by far the most shocking announcement of the release but Snakes presence in the crossover smash-em-up was nothing short of a stroke of comic genius. Nothing quite like pulling out a Nikita missile launcher on Donkey Kong or hiding under a cardboard box when Jigglypuffs onslaught proves too much. The fond memories got me to speculating: anything could be possible in the next game. I mean, no-one saw Snake giving Kirby a vicious right hook ten years ago but look where we are now. Perhaps the skys the limit. Any games character could become the next big contender. With that in mind; I complied a wishlist of seven games characters I (and no doubt others) would love to see in the next Smash Bros title but, honestly, probably never will
CONKER THE SQUIRREL
Everyones favourite alcoholic, foul-mouthed, anthropomorphic critter and star of Rares N64 hit Conkers Bad Fur Day. Allow me to set the scene: your three friends have selected Luigi, Captain Falcon and Samus Aran. Youve picked Conker and have elected to play on the brand new King Poo arena (from the classic boss battle of Bad Fur Day). The battles underway. King Poo is singing about sweetcorn and hurling liquid excrement at the combatants. Falcon readies for a Falcon Punch, you smack him over the head with a frying pan. Samus powers up her laser, you take her out with a shotgun. Luigi is buried beneath the arenas fecal matter. You stick a middle finger up to them all, in turn and open a bottle of booze. Bladder filled, you finish them off by urinating on them in a drunken stupor. Nintendo finally breaks the shackles of being a family-friendly games console and Baby Mario cries.
LEMMINGS:
These guys may sound utterly useless in a fight, but bear with me. That little door-thing opens over the arena and your first lemming drops out. Links moving in, sword and shield gleaming. You set your lemming as a blocker. He sticks both arms out and Link had no choice but to turn and go back the other way as soon as he gets too close. Another lemming drops from the door. You set him as a blocker on the other side of Link. The poor Hylian has no choice but to run back and forth between the two blockers. A third lemming comes down. Then a forth. A fifth. A tenth. A thirtieth. A ninety-ninth. Now Links trapped in a small arena with a whole battalion of angry green-haired midgets (no, not Oompah-Loompahs). They start pulling out their pickaxes and blowtorches and other assorted level-grafting tools and set to work on the Hero of Time in a style thatd make the Hostel films look like Muppet Babies. Scared? I would be. Strength in numbers: never underestimate that fact.
CRASH BANDICOOT:
Flash back to the late Nineties a time when the Xbox was but a gleam in Microsofts eye and Sega still released games consoles. Sony releases its fresh-faced Playstation, blinking into the light. At a time when Mario and Sonic were still mortal enemies (oh yes, they didnt always ski together, young readers), you didnt have a prospective games console without the necessary mascot. Enter a spiky-haired, Tasmanian-Devil inspired marsupial by the name of Crash Bandicoot. Had we still been in the Nineties, Playstations original mascot would have earned himself a seat with the big boys. Now, however? I envision as follows: you meet certain requirements in battle and unlock him for play. You spin around a few fights, eat a bit of Wumpa Fruit, go crazy with the Witch Doctor mask power-up and generally have a heck of a good time. After a few days the Bandicoot disappears from the character select screen altogether. For some reason we dont mourn this. Its as if hed never been unlocked in the first place.
COMMANDER SHEPARD:
Of course, even in a beat-em-up, a BioWare character just wouldnt be complete without the necessary life choices and customisability. You drop Shepard into battle in the trademark N7 armour and a beefy Collectors laser cannon. He (or she, of course) is up against Mario. He comes at you hurling fireballs. A dialogue wheel comes up. The choices? Well, if youre a Renegade youll fry the whiskers off the portly plumber's face with one well-aimed blast. If, like me, you prefer the more tactful Paragon approach Mario and Shepard get to talking and, with your high Charisma bar, you successfully convince him that hes still suffering post-traumatic stress of having had a giant ape kidnap his one-time girlfriend. Mario nods solemnly and, for the first time, sees himself for the turtle-killing, mushroom fiend he really is. The match ends with the words This Games Winner is Everyone! Such is the magic of diplomacy.
MASTER CHIEF:
Chief drops into battle against electric rat Pikachu and animated gobstopper Kirby. He takes pot-shots at the two of them and, when Kirby tries to devour him, Chief hurtles a plasma grenade mouth-bound. In a scene reminiscent of Jaws, Kirby erupts like a pink balloo. A whiny, scarcely broken voice comes in over the microphone: Woo, got you ****ing noob! This distracts Pikachu, who feels his (and everyone elses) game-time is being spoiled by bad sportsmanship. Master Chief responds by coming up behind the yellow pokemon and butting him in the face with his rifle. A Double Kill is announced. Dude, I just totally took that noob out! As the end-of-match statistics roll in and argument ensues between players over the headsets. For some reason the American player uses the whole youd all be speaking German if it werent for us line out of context for the hundredth time.
A SIM:
Super Smash Bros may be the only chance a player has to introduce a menagerie of games characters to one another. Who said they needed to fight all the time? What if you just fancied a bit of socialising? Simple: drop in a freshly created Sim. Buy yourself a fancy jukebox and a mini-bar with your hard-earned simoleons and order in a pizza. Who knows what will happen? I f you put your friendship bar up high enough with Donkey Kong, maybe you can make it into something more. A tree-house in Donkey Kong country and the pitter-patter of tiny ape feet... Maybe you could get Peach and Bowser to settle their differences, finally. If it doesnt work out? Well, theres always room for a scrap so long as its hidden behind a dust cloud.
NIKO BELLIC:
Lets assume the kid-friendly mould has already been broken with the introduction of Conker the Squirrel. Why stop there? Enter everyones favourite Eastern-European ex-soldier, Niko Bellic. Cut to the Liberty City arena. Yoshis managed to hop into a passing Mario Kart and heads towards the fray. Suddenly, Niko blasts onto the scene, wrenching the unfortunate reptile from the drivers seat before driving off. Turns out Nikos been wronged by an underground Italian family and hes pretty sore about it. Spying Luigi in the road ahead, he hit the gas and, eventually, the gangly plumber himself. What ensues is a stand-off between the Italians vengeful brother and Niko. A shot to the legs and one petrol bomb later and our hero walks out triumphant. NOW, OVER TO YOU: Who can tell what the future of Smash Bros will bring? Perhaps, in mocking, Ive inadvertently listed a surprise contender in the next game... ...one can dream. In the meantime, Im really keen to get a discussion going here. Be creative, which unlikely characters would you like to see in a Smash Bros game (however utterly ridiculous)?