7 Characters We'd Love To (But Never Will) See in a SUPER SMASH BROS Game

Who can tell what the future of Smash Bros will bring? Perhaps, in mocking, I’ve inadvertently listed a surprise contender in the next game...

By Brad Fear /

It€™s already been hinted that a Super Smash Bros 4 will inevitably be released on the upcoming Wii U console and, if you€™re anything like me, that€™s a promise worth getting excited about. Rewind back to the announcement of SSB: Brawl for Nintendo Wii, the subsequent unveiling of the €˜new contenders€™: Sonic the Hedgehog, Pokemon€™s Lucario and€ what€™s this? That can€™t be right€ Solid Snake? In the same game as Mario and Pikachu?! Must be witchcraft! The end is nigh! Yes, it was by far the most shocking announcement of the release but Snake€™s presence in the €˜crossover smash-€˜em-up€™ was nothing short of a stroke of comic genius. Nothing quite like pulling out a Nikita missile launcher on Donkey Kong or hiding under a cardboard box when Jigglypuff€™s onslaught proves too much. The fond memories got me to speculating: anything could be possible in the next game. I mean, no-one saw Snake giving Kirby a vicious right hook ten years ago€ but look where we are now. Perhaps the sky€™s the limit. Any games character could become the next big contender. With that in mind; I complied a wishlist of seven games characters I (and no doubt others) would love to see in the next Smash Bros title€ but, honestly, probably never will€

CONKER THE SQUIRREL

Everyone€™s favourite alcoholic, foul-mouthed, anthropomorphic critter and star of Rare€™s N64 hit Conker€™s Bad Fur Day. Allow me to set the scene: your three friends have selected Luigi, Captain Falcon and Samus Aran. You€™ve picked Conker and have elected to play on the brand new €˜King Poo€™ arena (from the classic boss battle of Bad Fur Day). The battle€™s underway. King Poo is singing about sweetcorn and hurling liquid excrement at the combatants. Falcon readies for a Falcon Punch, you smack him over the head with a frying pan. Samus powers up her laser, you take her out with a shotgun. Luigi is buried beneath the arena€™s fecal matter. You stick a middle finger up to them all, in turn and open a bottle of booze. Bladder filled, you finish them off by urinating on them in a drunken stupor. Nintendo finally breaks the shackles of being a €˜family-friendly€™ games console and Baby Mario cries.

LEMMINGS:

These guys may sound utterly useless in a fight, but bear with me. That little door-thing opens over the arena and your first lemming drops out. Link€™s moving in, sword and shield gleaming. You set your lemming as a blocker. He sticks both arms out and Link had no choice but to turn and go back the other way as soon as he gets too close. Another lemming drops from the door. You set him as a blocker on the other side of Link. The poor Hylian has no choice but to run back and forth between the two blockers. A third lemming comes down. Then a forth. A fifth. A tenth. A thirtieth. A ninety-ninth. Now Link€™s trapped in a small arena with a whole battalion of angry green-haired midgets (no, not Oompah-Loompahs). They start pulling out their pickaxes and blowtorches and other assorted level-grafting tools and set to work on the Hero of Time in a style that€™d make the Hostel films look like Muppet Babies. Scared? I would be. Strength in numbers: never underestimate that fact.

CRASH BANDICOOT:

Flash back to the late Nineties€ a time when the Xbox was but a gleam in Microsoft€™s eye and Sega still released games consoles. Sony releases its fresh-faced Playstation, blinking into the light. At a time when Mario and Sonic were still mortal enemies (oh yes, they didn€™t always ski together, young readers), you didn€™t have a prospective games console without the necessary mascot. Enter a spiky-haired, Tasmanian-Devil inspired marsupial by the name of Crash Bandicoot. Had we still been in the Nineties, Playstation€™s original mascot would have earned himself a seat with the big boys. Now, however? I envision as follows: you meet certain requirements in battle and unlock him for play. You spin around a few fights, eat a bit of Wumpa Fruit, go crazy with the Witch Doctor mask power-up and generally have a heck of a good time. After a few days the Bandicoot disappears from the character select screen altogether. For some reason we don€™t mourn this. It€™s as if he€™d never been unlocked in the first place.

COMMANDER SHEPARD:

Of course, even in a beat-em-up, a BioWare character just wouldn€™t be complete without the necessary life choices and customisability. You drop Shepard into battle in the trademark N7 armour and a beefy Collector€™s laser cannon. He (or she, of course) is up against Mario. He comes at you hurling fireballs. A dialogue wheel comes up. The choices? Well, if you€™re a Renegade you€™ll fry the whiskers off the portly plumber's face with one well-aimed blast. If, like me, you prefer the more tactful Paragon approach€ Mario and Shepard get to talking and, with your high Charisma bar, you successfully convince him that he€™s still suffering post-traumatic stress of having had a giant ape kidnap his one-time girlfriend. Mario nods solemnly and, for the first time, sees himself for the turtle-killing, mushroom fiend he really is. The match ends with the words €œThis Game€™s Winner is€ Everyone!€™ Such is the magic of diplomacy.

MASTER CHIEF:

Chief drops into battle against electric rat Pikachu and animated gobstopper Kirby. He takes pot-shots at the two of them and, when Kirby tries to devour him, Chief hurtles a plasma grenade mouth-bound. In a scene reminiscent of Jaws, Kirby erupts like a pink balloo. A whiny, scarcely broken voice comes in over the microphone: €˜Woo, got you ****ing noob!€™ This distracts Pikachu, who feels his (and everyone else€™s) game-time is being spoiled by bad sportsmanship. Master Chief responds by coming up behind the yellow pokemon and butting him in the face with his rifle. A €˜Double Kill€™ is announced. €˜Dude, I just totally took that noob out!€™ As the end-of-match statistics roll in and argument ensues between players over the headsets. For some reason the American player uses the whole €˜you€™d all be speaking German if it weren€™t for us€™ line out of context for the hundredth time.

A SIM:

Super Smash Bros may be the only chance a player has to introduce a menagerie of game€™s characters to one another. Who said they needed to fight all the time? What if you just fancied a bit of socialising? Simple: drop in a freshly created Sim. Buy yourself a fancy jukebox and a mini-bar with your hard-earned simoleons and order in a pizza. Who knows what will happen? I f you put your friendship bar up high enough with Donkey Kong, maybe you can make it into something more. A tree-house in Donkey Kong country and the pitter-patter of tiny ape feet... Maybe you could get Peach and Bowser to settle their differences, finally. If it doesn€™t work out? Well, there€™s always room for a scrap€ so long as it€™s hidden behind a dust cloud.

NIKO BELLIC:

Let€™s assume the kid-friendly mould has already been broken with the introduction of Conker the Squirrel. Why stop there? Enter everyone€™s favourite Eastern-European ex-soldier, Niko Bellic. Cut to the Liberty City arena. Yoshi€™s managed to hop into a passing Mario Kart and heads towards the fray. Suddenly, Niko blasts onto the scene, wrenching the unfortunate reptile from the driver€™s seat before driving off. Turns out Niko€™s been wronged by an underground Italian family and he€™s pretty sore about it. Spying Luigi in the road ahead, he hit the gas and, eventually, the gangly plumber himself. What ensues is a stand-off between the Italian€™s vengeful brother and Niko. A shot to the legs and one petrol bomb later and our hero walks out triumphant. NOW, OVER TO YOU: Who can tell what the future of Smash Bros will bring? Perhaps, in mocking, I€™ve inadvertently listed a surprise contender in the next game... ...one can dream. In the meantime, I€™m really keen to get a discussion going here. Be creative, which unlikely characters would you like to see in a Smash Bros game (however utterly ridiculous)?