Mass Effect 3 Review Diary 1: The First Four Hours [XBox 360]

By Michael Atkinson / March 16, 2012

Editor's Note: The first installment of Michael's Review Diary, which will irreverently follow his progress through Mass Effect 3 (and will also include a conventional review - coming very soon - for those of you who prefer that sort of thing). Lots of in-jokes below, so it's best if you've played up to this point before you read... The Mass Effect series is a defining trilogy that has managed to bridge the gap of RPG and Action enough to satisfy fans of both genres. I myself have rarely been as engrossed in a game as Mass Effect 2, and yet my story and my relationships deviate just enough that the experience felt personal to me that others could almost have been playing a different game entirely. With this thought in mind I thought I'd take you through my journey as Shepard - strong, masculine, unlucky-in-love Shepard. His Commander's Log if you will. There will be SPOILERS, though how relevant they are will be debatable. There will be sadness, though how relevant it is will again be debatable. Will there be happiness? Unlikely. Oh, and it's best you consider this as more Bridget Jones rather than Anne Frank. So welcome everyone, into the world of my John Shepard.

Hours 1-4 €“ Where the Hell is Everyone?

Day 1 Had one of those days today - lost my military status, my boiler broke, and those bloody reapers are back to wipe out the universe. James, my new sidekick (straight out of an advert for Creatine) seems to just want to pound heads. He didn't even ask about my boiler... I miss Jacob.

On the plus side Ashley showed up. I'm sure she's had work done, kind of makes her and James look like extras from that trash TV show Triodia Shore. It's not her fault I guess, the world's a different place now, and after all I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me. It's surely not right that the saviour of the free-world is nearly 40 and still nearly a virgin. Apart from that girl at my previous job who no-one knows. She was hot, really hot. So anyway, me and the Admiral swan off after someone trashed the hall (No doubt the taxpayers will have to fund that mess) and we stumbled across a little fella in a ventilation shaft, clearly bricking-it from the racket those reapers were causing he wouldn't even trust me and I'm great with kids. Perhaps 'got your nose' wasn't the ideal ice-breaker after he'd just seen me thwack the noses off a couple of husks with my new glove. SHEPARD SMASH! Long story short - kid died later on and I watched the whole thing. I sometimes wonder, if I just got myself inside the Normandy instead of looking wistfully out to the violence below I would not only hide the horror of such things but also increase my chances of survival dramatically. Day 2 Met the illusive man again today €“ nice guy. Once this is all over we should probably get together and have a drink. His legs do weird me out slightly though. If he's comfortable sitting crossed-legged then fine, but he really should buy a different chair.

Day 3 Shipped off to the Citadel today - brave Admiral holding the fort down on earth. Gave me a chance to hit some of my favourite stores on the Citadel and see if my posters are still up on the Citadel. They weren't, I blame the recession. I did meet a lovely looking journalist, I think she's the one. If a tad familiar. Anyway she's coming to live on the ship I think so hopefully she'll fall for my masculine charms and we can live happily ever after. Swoooooon. Day 4 Awful dream last night, saw that poor kid who was blown to bits on Earth. So THAT'S IT! No more just looking handsomely at things. Got me a new Kelly to cheer me up though, at first I thought we were meant to be together but she seemed quite smitten with EDI (Yes, the artificial intelligence) ((sigh)). I don't even know her name. And... AND, what's with the lighting on this ship. There are lights everywhere but they only seem to light the space directly next to the bulb. I understand the EU guidelines regarding energy saving lightbulbs but come on, someone could trip and hurt their leg. Hell, why worry about the Reapers killing us when our own Health and Safety rep will do it for them. Inside job. Must sleep now, off out tomorrow. Day 5 Five days into this mess and I was beginning to wonder where the old gang were hiding. I know they're not dead €“ not one! But not even a text from the likes of Miranda, Jacob, Tali, or that big guy who I kept locked up for a while. It just all seems a bit mean. Thankfully good ol' Garrus showed his kipper-cheeked face. Turns out he was busy defending his own planet from complete devastation so I'll let him off. Great to see him though, he runs like a delicate flower.

His boss Victus has come to live with us on the Normandy so that'll be nice. Although he does seem to be a bit more intense than Gar was. Case in Point - We both decided that we needed Krogan help - Turian and Krogan fighting side by side to defeat the bad guys (The Reapers). And he responds with: €œA lot more blood will be shed without the Krogans... Real Blood€ REAL BLOOD! I can't be sure, but this does not sound good. Day 6 Visited Ashley today and the doctors haven't even cleaned the dirt off her face. Poor thing looks like a chimney sweep. Forgot to mention yesterday but EDI has put herself into the body of Dr. Eva Core, nearly burnt the ship down in the process but DAAAAAYAM does she look good. I thought she might be the one but it seems Joker and her are an item. The bitch even had the nerve to ask me for relationship advice. Just so I'm clear here, this whore has watched me for years in my room every night with nothing but a copy of Krogan's Wives to keep me company, and she thinks I'm the man to ask. Artificial dumb-telligence more like. Day 7 Went to the bar to find that nut-job Aria and as per usual she was a little bit out there with her thinking. Wanted me to get some other nutter out of jail or something. NOPE!

Whilst I was there I bumped into James. He seems to get stranger by the day that lad €“ first he wants to fight whilst we have a pleasant conversation about his family, next he's making me say things like: €œYou don't think I like to get dirty James?€ Seriously, what's his problem? Anyhoo, for some reason my moustache is looking a bit too dominant over the rest of my stubble. The galaxy will have to wait.

Coming Soon:The next installment of Michael's Mass Effect 3 Review Diary, plus his full conventional review of the game. Keep it tuned to WhatCulture.