Rihanna - Where Have You Been: Music Video Review

By Josh Webb / May 1, 2012

The words 'Rihanna' and 'low-profile' aren't ones that tend to walk about hand in hand but 2012 has seen a slight shift in the all-conquering crotch-gyrating force from Barbados. After riding high off the back of We Found Love's global success (number one in twenty countries is hard to argue with), oodles of airplay and performances on every prime-time TV show going, Rihanna's been suprisingly low-key musically in the last few months. Sure there was the whole white powder twitter pictures (definitely not sherbet dib dab) and the release of her first feature film Battleship, not playing the token hot girl as expected but instead the token armed forces femme-grunt as if they're the only two kinds of women in existence, but on the whole Rihanna's reign on the musical media is at a low. You Da One plus its misguided cigarette advertisement/video didn't help it, Talk That Talk couldn't do anything without a video and not even an extended remix of Birthday Cake featuring, absolute first person Rihanna would invite to her birthday party, Chris Brown couldn't build up a wall of buzz (good thing too, he'd have only beaten it down again after... ALLEGEDLY). So it's up to Where Have You Been to bring another top ten hit to the table hoping to prove that age old proverb - if it ain't a club banger produced by Calvin Harris, don't release it - is extremely true. This video then - we usually look at expectations at this point but I'm clueless. We Found Love, shot by Melina Matsoukas, had drugs, fireworks, arcades, glitter vomit Ke$ha would be proud of and a singing wall fish at the local chippy whereas You da One, also by Matsoukas, had very little except black, white, grey, playing the Ooo-I'm-so-badass-smoking-yo card and getting accused of copying a fashion editorial spread - not the first time for either Rihanna or Matsoukas (coughS&McoughSUEDcough). However this is directed by Dave Meyers who usually does videos for P!nk, Britney and Katy Perry. They're generally the more demure ones too like Lucky and Firework so this could very well be the first video in a long time where Rihanna keeps her clothes on/doesn't grab her crotch/doesn't partake in acts deemed socially unacceptable eg. fluorescent PVC popcorn sex dungeons and getting your home tattooing kit out after you've popped a multitude of pills. Well blow me down and call be a rude boy, a hazy sunlight speckled lake in the middle of a forest? Rihanna winding through the ripples like a sinuous prehistoric snake-fish lady? Her hair ain't perfectly coiffed, she's forgotten her waterproof eyeliner and there's only a couple of fleeting glances aimed at her scale-adorned boobs but already this feels like a whole different line of fire on the video front. Now rocking Flintstones Chic adorned with a set of ivory and wood accessories, covering herself as if we've stumbled into her stone cave mid-dressing. I need some help in deciphering who this new prehistoric cavewoman/Female from the Blue Lagoon is and what she's done with Rihanna. Aah! It's M.I.A. straight from her Bad Girls video (or a pirate ship) on one of the leftover sets from 70's Doctor Who, she can help me... Well, when she stops bandy-legged dancing with the locals that is (apart from treehead man who isn't allowed to dance. Why? Did you see the talking trees dance in Lord Of The Rings? Ok then, just deal with the injustice). http://youtu.be/HBxt_v0WF6Y Wowzers, they've roped in some big names for this gig. There's Diana Ross taking a yoga class in the Flintstones household! There's Pocahontas basking in a pterodactyl nest! There's some slightly bonkers shamen lady with glitter stars all over her face who's probably a TA for the local primary school helping the little ones with arts and crafts! There's Diana Ross again taking a zumba class! There's Diana Ross... oh no wait she's gesturing at her crotch, it's definitely Rihanna with an afro. In all honestly this is a triumph of a video, despite the very cheap looking sets, because its fits to the song unexpectedly well, everything looks good without going into OTT visuals and Rihanna looks composed, intent and mysterious which makes a nice change from sexual, rebellious and up-for-it. Nicki Minaj, watch and learn - THIS is how you do a stylish up-tempo pop video complete with a smattering of complementary special effects (fire-hand-yoga-dance being a personal fave) where the female singer still looks attractive without coming across like a possessed neon hooker from Mars. Please phone David Meyers on your starship telephone to ask him to direct the Pound The Alarm/Whip It video (either of them works for me) pronto or I will write a letter of complaint. An angry one. In red ink. Because I'll be angry. Make no mistake, this has all the potential to be another smash for Rihanna but it won't be helped by the lack of buzz surrounding her at the moment. It'd be easy to say she should have released this straight after We Found Love but I can see the management's dilemma: do we release two tracks that'll be huge in nightclubs that are both produced by Calvin Harris back-to-back when our artist has already been accused of releasing her output too quickly? No, they're left with this sticky situation through rush releasing an album which isn't as good as it should be, therefore leaving very few single opportunities, unlike Loud or Good Girl Gone Bad (which were milked more than the only cow in the dairy farm). Still it seems to be shooting up digital charts so all is not lost. Nab some airplay (the fact this won't have to be censored will do wonders for its TV plays), perform on The Voice or Britain's Got Talent to a similar, less-overtly sexual aesthetic and you probably won't have to go back to the swamp anytime soon. Cavepeople of the world rejoice!