10 Things John Cena STILL Can’t Actually Do
Gratitude Adjustment
There's an admirable quality to the manner in which John Cena defends himself from criticisms such as the ones within this list. It's one of several things that make it hard not to like Cena the man despite coming to loathe the neon version of himself that occasionally stumbles through WWE storylines some 16 years after first donning the jhorts.
This is not the usual disclaimer for a piece criticising 'The Champ' (okay, here, this is - amazing charity work, remarkable longevity, incredible babyface for children, merchandise machine), but more an alert to the frustration that comes watching his every move in 2018.
Despite the slightly psychopathic tendencies in Total Bellas (more on that later), Cena fundamentally seems like a good man. So why, then, is he so bad?
He'd made hatchet jobs like this obsolete a decade ago, turning 2007 into his annus mirabilis after facing two solid years of unfiltered disdain. Within four years of that, he was earning a rare WWE Wrestling Observer ***** rating, and swimming in plaudits for his near-the-knuckle (and box office-smashing) work with The Rock. It'd be easy to ask where it all went wrong, but the hard truth is that it was never really right.
He managed expectations to below freezing then delivered minor warmth at a critical stage. The product in 2018 - by comparison - is hot again. Cena's low temperature offence and freezing cold takes only make him the main roster's biggest melt.
10. Comedy
Patter is in crisis.
Present WWE superstars are, in the main, the biggest bunch of losers ever to (dis)grace the wrestling ring. Few main roster performers are neither believably bad or honestly heroic, and the disinterest begins with woeful work on the microphone. Incongruous and inconsistent scripting has become the great albatross of our time - a vast majority of performers struggle to translate a writer's words in a way that benefits them, but the system is stuck rigidly in place to play to the strengths of the few that can.
John Cena is one of them. And John Cena (due to the aforementioned crisis) is still the biggest star WWE have.
Finn Bálor will thus be forced to crack jokes because John Cena does (badly). Roman Reigns will try and gain cheers fat-shaming Samoa Joe because Cena's carried on like (obnoxiously so) that since before the company went PG. Kevin Owens has his serious programmes destroyed because faces banter him off instead of fearing his fury - just like 'Big Match John'.
Steve Austin didn't get over pretending to be Hulk Hogan, just as Cena wasn't expected to ape 'The Rattlesnake' and The Rock. And yet, a generation of never-will-bes are now expected to vamp like 'The Champ'?