5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (June 22)
Don't open the door on the way out.
WWE commentary is abysmal in the main. Corey Graves is quite witty. Tom Phillips is directed to play an indistinct, observant role, but in comparison to Michael Cole, he face f*cks the sh*t out of it.
Cole was once considered the worst offender, and with good reason; he is more spokesperson than storyteller, a wind-up toy with a string pulled by a man with such contempt for his audience he cannot trust them to remember what happened five minutes into the past.
It's Boss Time!
Here comes The Big Dog!
Oh, my!
Repetitive, hollow, and repetitive those words may be, but Michael Cole is at least capable of the bare minimum required for the job: talking!
His former colleague Booker T was largely incapable of that, instead reacting to virtually every impact move by grunting out an "Mmmrgghh". It was a very strange sound. It was difficult to determine whether Booker was so impressed by the action as to be hungry, or descending fully into madness. Probably the latter. It's Booker T.
Booker T was the pits. Unable to string a sentence together, those loose collectives were pure, unadulterated nonsense. Over on SmackDown, Byron Saxton is simply weird - a strange hybrid of manufactured earnestness who switches from alarmed to carefree with the suddenness of a Big Show turn. He is an emulation of a human being with one glaring design flaw: the inability to register an emotion so that it comes across as genuine.
None of these men are even half as hapless as Jonathan Coachman, bloody hell...
5. Coach Needs Coaching
At Money In The Bank, Jonathan Coachman withdrew the worst wrestling insight of all time. As Nia Jax ensnared Ronda Rousey in a bearhug, Coach said the following:
"I think this may be an advantage for Ronda Rousey, to be honest with you. Hear me out. The pace has slowed so much that's it allowed Ronda Rousey to get a little bit of a rest and gather her senses."
"A rest."
The bearhug is one of the most enduring holds in the entire history of the industry. It is a staple because an actual child is able to infer that its effect sucks the wind out of and hurts the back of those on the receiving end of it. Not so Coach. Unbelievably, as Ronda made a last-ditch effort to punch her way out of it, before selling its impact crumpled on the mat - impact so effective that it allowed Nia to immediately drill her with the Samoan drop - Coach claimed he was "correct".
Using actual common sense, what did Coach think was Nia's intention? To give her mate a cuddle? What goes on in that head of his at the best of times? Does he think Daniel Bryan applies the heel hook to help his opponent's cramp? That Bobby Lashley holds his opponents in the air to give them a sporting chance? Does he think wrestlers perform suicide dives to high five their buddies for a good match?
That happens in the back, Coach. Where you belong. This was monumentally stupid - slightly stupider than re-employing this drab imbecile in the first place.