If WWE Superstars Were World Cup 2018 Teams...
From Russia with Dude Love.
The World Cup is in full swing, and despite all the fears about corruption, hooliganism, heavy-handed policing, and - worst of all - bloody VAR, it's been just fantastic. We've seen a glut of goals, oodles of upsets and a Patrice-ful of patronising punditry. Penalties are all the rage in Russia, as is cordially cleaning up after yourself, the world having been schooled on their manners by fastidious fans from Japan and Senegal.
It's enough to make you forget about the country's kleptocratic rule, what with their patchy free speech record, possible poisonings in sleepy cathedral cities and draconian anti-LGBT laws. There's nothing football can't fix!
It's not the only despotic regime the absorbing action has shifted out of focus. Amidst this festival of football, it's difficult to care about WWE's aimless summer meanderings. But being a wrestling fan is like having a terminal illness; you can try to enjoy yourself otherwise, but the thought is always nagging at the back of your mind.
That's why when Sergio Ramos rescues a tiny bird from Iran's fifty-men behind the ball, you can't help but ponder, "That's some babyface turn from the sport's most natural heel." Similarly, amidst all the hand-wringing over Tunisia's rough-housing of Harry Kane, your opinion defaults to, "It was a better spear than Edge's."
Since it can't be turned off, we've embraced it to consider the squared-circle equivalents of each of the eclectic bunch competing in Russia. For example, what makes Brock Lesnar Portugal? It ain't just the colour of his face...
32. Russia - Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns? More like Romanov Reigns. Look at this way: both are widely unpopular, both are the beneficiaries of a despotic regime, and both have faced scrutiny about their current position - one seemingly never under threat even in the face of alleged doping. But when it gets down to it, neither is actually as bad as everyone suggests.