10 Types Of Shopper That Deserve A Solid Kick To The Nether-Regions

By Adam Lake / January 6, 2014

Last week I saw a small Puerto Rican man beaten to death by a crazed woman wielding a chinchilla. This is the world consumerism has created. It was Martin Luther King who said: "I have a dream of Puerto Rican men shopping without threat of being assaulted with South American creatures." Sadly, his vision was never fully realized. Poor upbringing and over-exposure to Animal Planet (For every seal you watch get mauled by a polar bear your soul shrinks one size. Harvard scientists call it soul flaccidity) has created 10 types of horrible shoppers. This list endeavours to identify these nefarious creatures so that you can safely avoid them.

10. The Shenanigans Crew

Did you narrowly survive a forest fire in the Home and Garden section of your local Walmart? Then chances are your naiveté lead you straight into the territory of a Shenanigan Crew member. These are the kids in the store that are clearly not interested in buying anything. They have come for the purpose of mayhem. I have witnessed their malevolence firsthand: kittens punched square in the mouth, used DVD's thrown at the elderly, and toddlers with spray-painted foreheads. A member of the Shenanigans Crew will usually be in the 14-25 demographic and traveling in a pack. They could be holding Nerf guns, pool noodles, or baked goods in a threatening manner. If put in direct opposition with a crew member, perhaps at the business end of a Twinkie (they're only symmetrical if used for justice), your only hope is to join their ranks or flee the scene immediately. My brother spent ten years posing as a Shenanigan enthusiast. He was forced to destroy innumerable gallons of milk, but good golly he got out of that Walgreens alive.