Ray devours the new INDIANA JONES DVD Box Set

By Ray DeRousse / June 25, 2011

George Lucas is no longer an artist. George Lucas is no longer human. He has mutated into some sort of living embodiment of cinematic evil. He is now Charles Foster Kane, all alone in his Xanadu, relentlessly collecting the wealth of the world. He is Anakin Skywalker, reaching out for power and riches and achieving nothing but his own demise. He is the shark in JAWS, a remorseless eating machine with the intention of devouring everything within his grasp. He is devoid of logic, emotion, and remorse. He is unstoppable. If there was a God in heaven, the fourth movie in this series would be called INDIANA JONES AND THE SKYWALKER RANCH OF SOUL-SNATCHING COMMERCIALIZATION. The film would culminate in Indy choking Lucas to death with a STAR WARS figurine as they wrestle over his Avid. This new collection inspires such hyperbole. The three previous Indiana Jones films have been repackaged in time for the release of number four. The sole purpose of this set is to make millons of dollars, and forcing the fans to blindly pony up for an incomplete collection that will need to be refurbished yet again a mere six months later. Lucas learned this type of brash marketing plan with the STAR WARS films, which were repackaged so many times that the names of the Lucasfilm marketing team members now appear in the credits to the fucking films. But surely the extras in this collection warrant a purchase, right? RIGHT???? THE FILMS

INDIANA JONES AND THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

rating: 4.5

That's right, kids. Georgie went back and re-titled the 1981 classic. Yep, just like STAR WARS. The film is known by most sentient human beings on the planet. It's the perfect blend of adventure, mysticism, and deft humor. HARRISON FORD achieves immortality in this, his greatest performance. He's surrounded by an incredible cast of unforgettable characters, all of which perfectly capture the nuanced cadences of the magnificent LAWRENCE KASDAN screenplay. Director STEVEN SPIELBERG has rarely been better, especially considering that this is his least overbearing shoot. Even Lucas himself shines with this production, which showcases the last creative ideas of his career; a few months later, the Ewoks were created. THE EXTRAS The best extras of the collection appear on this disc. We have an introduction to the film by Spielberg and Lucas. Following that is a nice retrospective of the Indiana Jones Trilogy. Most tellingly, almost all of the interviews for this documentary come from the cast of the new film, INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. If there's one place that Shia LeBeouf does NOT belong, it's on this collection ... but there he is, babbling on about a movie that came out while he was swimming up his mother's fallopian tubes. Awesome. Besides that, there's a neat little behind-the-scenes look at the making of the melting face effect seen at the end of the movie. And that's about it, folks. INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

rating: 2.5

Widely regarded as the weakest of the three films, DOOM follows Indy on an adventure to retrieve a sacred stone from a psychotic voodoo priest. He is accompanied by two of the most annoying sidekicks ever conceived in modern adventure movies: a stereotypical Chinese kid retardedly-named SHORT ROUND (and played with hyperactive, squeaky-voiced intensity by KE HUY QUAN), and a conceited, screaming harpy played by the thankfully-retired KATE CAPSHAW. The movie is violent, ugly, and mostly devoid of engagement and fun. The set pieces here are ridiculously over-the-top and strain credulity. The villain is both silly and lame. Even though the film boasts another great performance from FORD and a wonderfully icky moment inside a booby-trapped room, almost everything else feels forced and mean-spirited. But one thing truly ruins this film - they lost sight of the adventure itself. RAIDERS had a terrific quest - find the lost ark of the covenant. Throughout the film, Indy is skeptical of any mystical powers associated with the artifact; to him, it's simply a treasure to be discovered and preserved. We see glimpses of power emanating from it, but we never see its full glory until the climax. Even then, it's not played as something goofy, humorous, or trivial; this is the hand of God himself, and Indy is humbled by the experience with it. Here, on the other hand, is a quest to find a stone that becomes powerful when it's combined with two other stones. They glow sometimes, and they also get tossed around like eggs. The entire extravaganza is silly and contrived, lacking the awe and magesty of the previous film's desired object. In fact, two of the stones are lost at the end, leaving only one and negating the entire point of the adventure. EXTRAS Almost nothing on this disc. There's another intro by Spielberg and Lucas. A pointless look at the creepy crawlies of the Indy films. Storyboards of the mine car chase. Yipee.

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE

rating: 3

The third film adds a lot of backstory to the Indy character. We see a long introduction starring the late RIVER PHOENIX in a nice cameo as a young Indiana Jones and his first adventure. We get to meet Indy's father, Dr. Jones Sr., played with sparkling fire by SEAN CONNERY. And we also get to see many of Indy's faithful friends join in the adventure, including Sallah (JOHN RYS-DAVIES) and Dr. Marcus Brody (DENHOLM ELLIOTT). We also have the worst Indy woman in tow, played with vapid transparency by ALISON DOODY. The film is largely a comedy, jettisoning any hint of realism in order to milk the marvelous chemistry between Ford and Connery. The only worthwhile chase in the film - a series trademark - involves a tank, and even that is very contrived and strangely inert. The hunt here is equally ridiculous, a ham-handed quest to find the Holy Grail. It involves lots of obvious father/son bonding moments. It also unfortunately involves a very literal 700 year old guard and a very hokey last act that clumsily closes the film. The only thing missing from this movie is Indy stepping in shit and yelling out, "Poodoo!" I almost expected to see it digitally inserted by the Lucasfilm stormtroopers. Like the previous film in the series, this film takes the wrong elements seriously while making slapstick comedy out of everything else. Instead of feeling like an inventive adventure film with a brain - in other words, like RAIDERS - these two films feel forced and endlessly silly instead of transporting. EXTRAS Nothing worth mentioning. Another intro. A meandering look at the women in Indy's life. A look at Indy's friends and enemies. More storyboards. YAWN. OVERALL This is an absolute no-no for anyone interested in these films. Not only does this collection provide very little new material; it will also be an obsolete collection in a mere two weeks with the release of the new film. DO NOT line the already deep pockets of Lucas and his heirs by purchasing this. Wait for the inevitable deluxe version in a few months, one that actually provides some worthwhile extras that justify the cash outlay. And shame on you George for trying to steal from the fans of this series. The entire collection:

rating: 1