Let's Remake Everything!!!
Jerry Bruckheimer, the thoughtful and esoteric driving force behind Michael Bay's string of subtle dramatic features, now sets his sights on iconic American hero THE LONE RANGER. But why stop there??
Hey Hollywood! Here's a great idea: LET'S REMAKE EVERYTHING! Every single piece of material ever produced on film or on television needs to be remade. What about classics, you ask? FUCK IT!! We'll remake CITIZEN KANE with Jonah Hill as Charles Foster Kane and Michael Cera as his "wacky" sidekick Jedediah Leland! We'll not only improve the cast, but also the dramatic structure; the ending is so boring ... instead of simply burning Rosebud in a fire, we'll have the entire Xanadu complex blown up in a huge explosion. Oh ... and we'll make it in 3-D too, so when Rosebud flies out of the explosion, it'll fly right past everyone's face so that they know that it was the sled all along!! The kids will love it! And let's not forget television! That medium has produced so many great properties that we can make movies forever!!! Think about it for a second .... nobody's ever made THE FACTS OF LIFE into a movie! We can get Lindsay Lohan to play Blair, Hillary Duff to play Jo, and Kathy Bates to play Mrs. Garrett! And we'll add some lezbo sex in the girl's dormitory to attract the 18-40 male demographic ... but nothing featuring Natalie, 'cause she's fat. Or instead, maybe we can "reimagine" CHEERS with Jonah Hill as Norm, Nicholas Cage as Sam the bartender, and Amy Adams as Diane. We'll even get someone not that attractive to play Carla - get Uma Thurman on the phone! The nostalgia-factor alone will guarantee a $30 million dollar opening weekend ... toss in a cover of the theme song by Aerosmith, and we could be looking at a $31.5 million opening! Oh yeah, baby! Thankfully, while I eagerly wait for these pointless television remakes to happen, I can tide myself over with awesome filmic experiences like this at my local mega-plex! AWESOME! Keep it coming, Hollywood! And after we have exhausted all of the previously-created properties in movies and television, we can move on to other materials and remake them as well!! There must be thousands of Punch and Judy puppet shows that have never been adapted into films! And think of all of the cave-paintings in Europe that have yet to be reimagined! My God, it's a veritable cornucopia of material!! We will never, ever, ever need to use our imaginations ever again!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Sorry about the rant, kids. It's just that this next sentence disturbs me. According to Hollywood Wiretap, "producer" Jerry Bruckheimer has optioned THE LONE RANGER for a new live action feature. The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the wordsmiths responsible for some of the most cliched, squirm-in-your-seat dialogue and situations of the last twenty years. Think about that for a second. Bruckheimer is taking a property that has absolutely no value to anyone under the age of fifty - in America or otherwise - sprucing it up with lots of heavily-filtered shots and explosions, and then marketing it with the subtlety of Hitler's march into Russia. This is going to be yet another $70 million dollar waste of celluloid, replete with nonsensical action sequences courtesy of our thoughtful scribes Elliot and Rossio. Can they not understand that the time of the Lone Ranger has long since passed? Are they unable to see that the Lone Ranger means nothing at all to the rest of the world? Like the current American president, they seek only to steamroll over others with their own agenda in order to make themselves a tidy profit. Let's face several facts about this upcoming film right now: - They will get someone like Zac Efron to play The Lone Ranger. - They will get someone Chinese to play Tonto so that the faithful sidekick can really sidekick some ass. - There will be a swordfight on a rolling/moving contraption of some sort. - Despite being set in the Old West, there will be several explosions in the film that rival Hiroshima in size and destructive power. - There will be some sort of love interest. This will either involve Tonto (hey, that Brokeback shit is in these days!!), or some "spunky" gal that meets the Lone Ranger in a "cute" way. - Aerosmith will provide a mid-tempo ballad for the closing credits. Ya gotta have soundtrack tie-ins!! All in all, this is just the most extreme case of desperation. Is there absolutely nothing else in the world to produce???? There are probably several hundred thousand scripts rejected by Hollywood every single year simply because the writer does not have an agent. These are original works that have potential, yet the Hollywood elite prefers to stick to formulaic, in-house bullshit to regurgitate into theaters. NOTE TO BRUCKHEIMER: I have a couple of scripts. They are original. They might be shit, but I guarantee you that they're better than this.