These Video Game Skills SUCK!

4. Risen 2 - Learning To Kick

So not to assume too much about your past, but I'm guessing at one point your parents probably made note of your movements as an unborn baby within your mamma's belly. You know, something along the lines of, "look it's kicking" or "no I'm pretty sure humans don't have tails of horns".

Point being, most of learned to kick before we were even aware of what our legs were. It isn't a skill that needs imparting, but is entirely innate.

Therefore it was more than a little strange when Risen 2, a title stuffed to the brim with pirates, swashbuckling and more poop decks than a colonoscopy card game, had the gall, the utter cheek to charge the player to learn how to kick properly.

I'm sorry, what? I'm meant to be a member of the inquisition, a military group in the game and you're telling me I've gotten through life without learning how to kick properly? And then on top of this you're going to bloody charge me for it?

And you want to know the best part about it? Once you've learned it, actually performing the move is stupidly mapped requiring you to hold the parry button and then press the jump button. It's a gross combo and I feel like it needs a NSFW filter on it. Honestly, it's hard to feel jolly after being rogered by this shameful scam and there is a horrible sweaty irony in having a game teach you how to use your legs "properly" while running at 13 frames a second itself.