Coldplay rope in Rihanna the Geisha for a spot of martial arts, CGI, golden mani-claws and muddled cultural symbols in Princess of China. Now here's a collaboration I wasn't particularly expecting. Sure Chris Martin has collaborated with Kanye West and Jay-Z in the past and it doesn't take many steps to get from them to Rihanna (they've all collaborated together, she's on Jay-Z's record label - need I go on?) but Coldplay as a band have never been ones to go for featured artists. Here we are then with the most obvious single material off Mylo Xyloto, basically because it has the walking hit machine herself on it, and a video that couldn't really go anywhere but to the Far East with a title like Princess of China. So the partnership is settled, the golden claw pictures have surfaced and the wait is on for some high-wired kung fu but only one question remains - who'd win in a fight between Coldplay and Rihanna? Let's see the stats HADOUKEN! In the MoR once indie now pop corner, weighing in at 5 albums spanning 12 years, are the London lads Coldplay. There are four of them (though you don't know the names of three), they are adept in the art of many instruments and the lead singer has a daughter named after fruit. FIREBALLS! In the half-naked pop machine corner, with 6 albums spanning 7 years to her name, is the Barbadian beauty RiRi. She's a master of changing appearances, her gyration technique can put men in a spin and she's collaborated with just about everyone you've ever heard of. DRAGON PUNCH! Round 1 - FIGHT! Ok, wait. Wait a bit longer. Geez, how long is Chris Martin gonna walk for? Even the heavily tattooed guard out of Dynasty Warriors is suitably bored. Up the temple steps you go Chris, I swear they just cut these travelling bits out in the movies. Ninjas! Oh wait it's just Chris again. Now, face it, Chris Martin is hardly going to be the first to start a sword fight and this whole section would only be more unrealistic if he was facing a bedraggled Leona Lewis complete with a grey master beard brandishing a halberd booming out across the room 'FINISH HIM'. Even a blind drunk Rihanna would make a better ninja than Chris 'I neither drink nor smoke but I like Granny Smiths so much I named my daughter after one' Martin. http://youtu.be/1Uw6ZkbsAH8 Speaking of Rihanna, here she is surrounded by paper lanterns with her gold claws and PVC thigh-slit dress that all the royal cocubines of ancient China used to wear. Admittedly she looks ready to slice into someone's face so this could be an easy battle. I also admire the realistic period attire Rihanna sports on her gilded sofa - knee high red plastic sock/heel/shoe/tights combos are a must-have for any self-respecting geisha. It's not until 2 minutes in that either Chris or Rihanna actually get close to fighting and even then it consists of merely a brief jump into the air. Sigh. I probably shouldn't forget to mention the claw parade back at RiRi's gaff or the House of Flying Daggers reference in the drum & fabric dance or the Hero reference when they both hug each other in a desert but I mean, seriously, hugging? No epic fight routine? No beautiful cheongsam attired Rihanna for the sleeve dance? Not ONE bamboo forest or raining petals scene? So many disappointments. GAME OVER! Let's be realistic here - this video is about as Chinese as I am i.e. I've watched a few Zhang Yimou movies and Kung Fu Panda (1 & 2 in case you were wondering). Half of the references aren't chinese for a start: the multiple hand/arm dancing is surely hindu in it's origins, ninja are japanese, samurai are japanese, geisha are japanese - i swear even the golden claws were attributed to an ancient Japanese empress (Horrible Histories Magazines blud). Hell, the music at the beginning which sounds potentially oriental? It's a sample from one of Icelandic group Sigur Ros's songs. Fair enough it doesn't have to be realistic, it's meant to be a film trailer after all, but at least get some things right. It just makes countries like the USA and the UK look ignorant of other cultures when we coagulate them all together into one big visual mess. Another issue for me is that if there was a storyline, I didn't get it. It's a fairly pretty video with all the green screen going on but i'd have rather it was more focused on the storyline of the lyrics than on cramming every reference in. Some critics have called the song "uninspired" which I wouldn't agree with (it's a very good song which deserves more) but the video certainly is in that it brings no new ideas to the table, just a scattering of thinly veiled scenes from other wuxia films. There's homage, then there's lack of ideas - the first I love, the second is a wasted opportunity. The star power of the two artists will pull this song through from the video doldrums but it was such a chance to create a really beautiful editorial visual that really slipped through the fingers. CONTINUE? Nah, I'm good thanks.