10 Great WWE Moments We Came Agonisingly Close To
Plans change.
“Plans change.”
Those two words are aimed at the Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer on Twitter, all the bloody time, by those who believe him, and not wrestling promoters (!) to be a conman. He writes “plans change”, they argue, in order to cover his back. He can write any old bit of fake news he likes, and just write “like, you know, plans change”.
It’s almost astonishing how this meme has mushroomed. At least, with the equally tiresome “five stars in the Tokyo Dome” patter, there’s an internal logic to it—historically, Meltzer has favoured Japanese matches under his ratings system—but this is different.
How can you possibly watch a month of WWE television, and not arrive at the conclusion that, especially in recent years, Vince McMahon is incredibly erratic? Was the plan always to pay off Kevin Owens quitting WWE to return just one week later? Did WWE really think they’d turn Daniel Bryan heel nine months after he made the ultimate babyface comeback? Did WWE really think they’d secure the signature of Bobby Lashley, a living, idealised, Vince McMahon babyface, and turn him heel after botching his face run so badly?
Sometimes, as is the case this week, Vince McMahon’s genius promotion instincts kick in, and he totally over-delivers.
Other times…
10. SISTER. ABIGAIL.
We were presented instead with a firecracker of a substitute match between Finn Bálor and AJ Styles, marred though it was just 24 hours later by the sight of an older, more broken down, more profoundly overexposed demon taking the Brock Lesnar match at the Royal Rumble.
Very good as it was, it meant not a thing, so we are left to mourn the schadenfreude alternative.
When pro wrestling invites farce - which WWE did by repackaging Wyatt as a vaguely problematic female character with a d*mn lisp - farce tends to answer the call with glee.
We were almost treated to the sight of Wyatt, wearing an unfamiliar shawl tripping up and falling on his arse. We were almost treated to the sight of Bálor selling pure terror in the face of a living, jumping shark, only one that wasn't remotely scary. We were almost treated to the sight of Wyatt struggling to brush aside whatever that thing was covering his face to kiss Bálor in the forehead, thus kissing goodbye to the Abigail character about a fortnight after it was introduced.
Were it not for the mumps, we were almost treated to the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz Vs. Your Fat Goth Sister.