5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (March 29)

5. THE COVENANT OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING HAS BEEN FOUND

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, angels of death spiral from the Ark of the Covenant and melt the face of Major Arnold Toht.

His face becomes a mess of flowing white liquid, which is probably what happened to an over-stimulated Vince McMahon upon seeing the face of God in 1986. He had found his next big superstar in the form of the the ultra-chiselled, athletic, gloriously-permed Tom Magee.

Imagine Gary Strydom was a pro wrestler, and you are close to the orgasmic reaction Magee evoked from him.

Tom Magee looked like the next big superstar because Bret Hart made him look like the next big superstar in a legendary 1986 carry-job once thought lost to time forever. Bret, embarrassed at putting over this disgrace, demanded the match never be broadcast. And it never was, much to the sadness of pro wrestling collectors the globe over.

Watch that GIF to put this mythical performance into context. Tom Magee was absolutely, irredeemably pathetic. He chops Hiroshi Wajima almost affectionately. He mounts martial-arts style striking offence with, and this is no exaggeration, the force of a toddler subtracted by the undisciplined, chaotic minds that compel them to go apesh*t. The idea of Tom Magee wrestling a good match as is irreconcilable as Triple H truthfully answering a probing question in a media call.

The footage has been found—maybe—by photographer and Hart collaborator Mary-Kate Anthony. Tyson Kidd doesn’t “doubt the legitimacy of it at all”, per Twitter. She has unearthed a VHS tape bearing the immortal words ‘Bret V Tom Magee’, and at time of writing is currently sourcing a VCR to prove its authenticity. There is a chance it is the less sought-after 1989 match. But if this is it, we have found the lost treasure.

We have found something the toilet humour-loving, riyal-courting, daughter-fancying Vince McMahon might actually be embarrassed about!