Predicting The Quality Of All 15 WWE WrestleMania 35 Matches
'Work': The WrestleMania 35 official theme, and what we'll need to do to pay attention.
At time of writing, the rumoured/threatened 17-match WrestleMania card has settled on just 15.
In addition to the super-stacked card...and the Battle Royals and Kurt Angle Vs. Baron Corbin and the match that features both the IIconics and Tamina, Elias is set to perform a concert as the show's headlining musical act. He is as likely to complete a full song as CFO$ are - but who will interrupt to shut his mouth? And since WWE has refused to mention the actual location of WrestleMania - "in the shadow of New York" is the euphemism Michael Cole has taken to using - what can he take the piss out of?
With Elias set to be interrupted by vaunted WWE Legend 'Whomever Doesn't Agree To Appear At Starrcast, Quite Frankly', time is at a premium. Alexa Bliss will likely only cut an opening promo, which might, just might, contain a bait-and-switch - but the bombast and spectacle of WrestleMania cuts into the in-ring action. The Hall of Fame wheel-out takes a good five minutes - five minutes Triple H needs to gently lift up his thumb, turn it sideways, and then turn it down before cracking Batista in the face with a sledgehammer.
One match is going short, and it won't be the one involving the 99 year-old combination of the surgically-repaired and cardio-impaired...
15. KICKOFF - WrestleMania Women's Battle Royal
Much like its spiritual brother, it's best to read between the lines, if you're even bothered, to extract any sort of any enjoyment from this.
Hilariously, this match exists for the talent. It's not for us; it's a way to reward the relentless toil of a brutal live event circuit...and at least one third of the field don't want none of it, either. The SmackDown's Women's roster was pissed off at the disrespect shown to Asuka last week. Asuka herself seemed delighted to take part in this week's oddball 18-person tag team match, which was a sad and damning sight. What's a title, eh?
It's top bantz messing about with Otis!
This is a match, theoretically, in which the winner might actually wear her job face. You're best off paying strict attention to the most incandescently pissed off pout.
It's WrestleMania, your writer is in attendance, let's look at the positives: Asuka smashing squealing geeks never grows old, a Kacy Catenzaro cameo should inject some parkour creativity, and social media sh*t-stirrer Lana might do a dance before getting kicked flush in the face in a spiteful comedy spot.